Because Diane asked for it and I think it's something Brandon will need in a few short months, I've decided to post Kapgar's Tips for Effective Diaper Changing!
First, there are some essential supplies that you will need. I suggest having them ready before you start:
- A diaper, or two - practice makes perfect
- Pooper wipes
- Baby powder
- A toy that the child loves - bribery works, even at such a tender and innocent age
- Heavy duty rubber gloves
- Clear Plexiglas face shield - like what you would wear when using an acetylene torch; just the mask, not the torch; you never know when Ol' Faithful's gonna blow
- That white powder you see morticians wipe under their nostrils to combat the smell of death
Now, you need to make sure that the diaper needs changing. I'm not sure which is really the better of two methods.
- Smoosh method: Pick the baby up and feel if the diaper is smooshy. Yes, most diapers have a lot of give because of all the padding. But, if it gives and doesn't rebound back to shape, you might have a problem.
- Sniff technique: Pick up the baby and sniff the butt. If it makes you wish for sweet death, you might need to change the diaper.
If, like I did, you have someone around to offer up a second opinion, it might not be a bad idea.
When it is determined that a diaper needs changing, take the baby to the changing table. Give them the toy immediately. Do not, I repeat, do not forget this step!
Open up a new diaper and lay it flat and at the ready. Unfasten the old diaper and pull away from the deadly weapon known as the baby's butt. I wish there was some way to ready yourself, but, honestly nothing can prepare for what you are about to see. In my case, the front half of the diaper's interior was pristine; heck, it could've been reused. The back half, however, was a war zone. Remember the scene in Predator when Schwarzenegger covers himself in mud as camouflage? Yeah, that's what the back of the diaper looked like. Not a bit of white to be seen. And it was speckled all over the kid's butt as well. I highly suggest color-distorting sunglasses for this stage of the process.
Roll the death diaper up and use the straps to seal it shut, throw in the diaper basket, and run for a window to grab a breath of fresh air. Then grab a couple wipes and clean up the rest of Ground Zero.
If you so choose, you can use a little baby powder now. If not, continue on.
Gently lift the baby's feet in the air so you can put the new diaper underneath making sure that the end with the straps attached is toward the back. Perfect placement, I'm sure, is something that comes with practice. I sat there trying to calculate the ideal position for maximum protective coverage and level waistband positioning for about 30 seconds. I'm still certain I put more thought into this than Bush and the Joint Chiefs put into their Iraq strategy.
Wrap the front of the diaper through the crotch and over the front and then pull the straps around from the back flap and fasten securely, but not too tightly, to the front flap. If you can pick the baby up and the diaper stays on, then put the baby's clothes back on, put him in his playpen, and do a little celebratory dance.
When you agree to babysit for someone, the parents will tell you that changing a diaper is no big deal. Well of course it's not to them. They've done it how many times now?
For us first timers, though, it's a big friggin' deal! I am here to tell you that you can take pride in your accomplishment! It is a big deal! Gloat about it a bit!
And then move on with life and pray the parents get home before you have to do it again.
