I know all there is to know...

My dad and I went to a home improvement show at Pheasant Run in St. Charles this past weekend. It was two large conference centers full of people showing off their wares and completely overwhelming me at the same time.

Never before have I ever been so happy to be a townhouse owner.

"Would you like an estimate on new siding?"
"Association takes care of it."

"Would you like to put in new roofing shingles?"
"I live in a townhouse!"

"How would you like to take advantage of our highly rated chimney sweeping service?"
"Just come on out and try to find my chimney."

But one woman I did talk to was promoting something aside from home repair stuff. It was her husband's musical production at a local theater. And I am now convinced that armageddon is upon us.

The production was Night of the Living Dead: The Musical. Yes, the musical. I'm not sure how singing would work into this production. Zombies singing? Victims singing as their brains are eaten? I really don't know. I really don't know if I want to know.

So then I started thinking about some of the most ridiculous potential translations of popular movies into the musical theater format. Hell, I even came up with the starts to some songs.

I'll warn you now that some of my lyrics may contain spoilers. Read at your own risk...

The Usual Suspects: Singin' Suspects
A freighter of death, more bodies on the way!
But that dude with the gimp, he's Keyser Soze!

Star Trek: The Emo-tion Picture
Kirk! You whoring bitch!
Kirk! Scratch your own itch!
Kirk! You broke my heart!
Kirk! My life is falling apart!

The Crying Game: Song n' Schlong
What is this before my eyes?
It's a manly meat surprise!

What other movies would be fantastically weird musicals? My mind is running wild with possibilities!

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): There are some stores you expect to see "pop up" all over the place. Those stores that are routinely characterized as retail weeds... when you least expect it, there it is. Some such weeds include Walgreen's, Target, Wal-Mart, etc.

So imagine my surprise that within the last six months, two Lover's Lanes have opened up within five or ten miles of my house along the same road. If you don't know what Lover's Lane is, use your imagination, I'm sure you won't be too far off the target.

Good to know there's one thing that remains unaffected by the economic downturn in the U.S.