This is Dwight K. Schrute. Assistant to the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, the greatest regional paper and office supply distributor in the whole world.
FACT: I have taken over this blog from it's pitiful "author," a term I use very loosely. I have a purpose for my actions, which will come to light shortly.
If one were to believe his Facebook status update from yesterday, you'd know that this blog's author, a boy named "kapgar," was in Nashua, New Hampshire, attempting to con his way into the good life with my boss, Michael Scott, and Pam Beesley. But, you would also know that there is no way Michael would fall for this pitiful human being's attempts to woo his way into Michael's inner circle.
My purpose, as I promised earlier to reveal, is to address a certain "meme" that's been circulating throughout the World Wide Web. I have not been challenged to accept it, but I feel I can contribute some wisdom. I believe I have seen this meme on the blog of a Miss Sizzle and a SoMi, whatever a SoMi is.
The meme involved choosing a letter of the alphabet, or, more precisely, having one chosen for you and then name 10 things that start with that letter that you love. As everyone should know, nobody chooses my future plans except for me. That is why I am choosing my own letter for this post. And that letter?
1. Battlestar Galactica
The greatest television show in the history of television. Anything that claims it is better is wrong. But, speaking of television, I hate when American producers attempt to steal ideas from Great Britain. Doesn't everyone realize the Brits do it better? Why even try? Any actor who makes a living working on a hacked redux of a British show should be ashamed of themselves.
The greatest and most beneficial vegetable known to man. It can be used in anything... sandwiches, salads, juices, et cetera. But one must be careful before consuming in high quantities. Unless you have the intestinal fortitude of a Schrute, as we are superior beings, you could do permanent damage to your stomach lining or break a tooth when attempting to eat it raw.
3. Bob Vance
I cannot decide if this man is an idiot or a genius with delusions of grandeur that rival even my own. Why else would anyone willingly marry Phyllis Lapin? There must be something I'm not seeing.
I wear glasses. I am proud to wear glasses. People who wear glasses have wisdom that far exceeds that of people who do not. For they have vision. Both vision of their surroundings and a vision of the future. If you know someone who wears glasses, fear them.
Technology is evil. It is pushed upon us by shortsighted individuals like our former temp, Ryan Howard, who was also our former boss, who treat technology as a crutch to support their otherwise sagging life. This is why I use a beeper. I do not believe in cell phones. The CIA informed me that my cell phone had been compromised by an unknown evil power and that my life and mission were in danger. I immediately disposed of the phone and now rely solely on my beeper. I am resourceful. If someone contacts me, I can immediately find a way to contact them back while staying "off the grid."
At one time, I praised this as the greatest gift ever from the most important person in the world, second only to myself... and Michael Scott... and the creator of Battlestar Galactica. However, now, that gift is forever tainted by her betrayal. She is dead to me.
7. Badass Trans Am
I don't care what Andrew Bernard says, my Trans Am is the greatest vehicle in the history of automobiles. It is vintage American muscle and can totally kick the ass of Andy's Ex-Earth. Oh wait, he doesn't drive that anymore since I bought it from him and sold it for a profit, does he?
I do strive to one day be the boss of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. But not so long as Michael Scott is here. I would never try to usurp his power... not again.
I have a mind built for business. I can sell anything to anyone. You want a ream of paper? I'll sell you on a case. Sell me a Nissan Xterra for $8,000 and I'll turn around and resell it for $11,000. Buyer beware... Dwight K. Schrute is on the prowl.
Bears are the most powerful and resourceful creature to roam the planet. To most people, they are a source of fear. But not to me. I do not fear bears, I am inspired and awed by them. I know every fact about every species of bear ever. If I were to find a bear in the woods, it would not try to do me harm as it would detect my own strength and intelligence and leave me be.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish blowing up all these balloons for Kelly Kapoor's birthday that I, as co-head of the party planning committee with Jim, forgot to celebrate yesterday. Stupid birthdays. They are a sign of weakness in human beings who celebrate them.