Walk on...
The boys get lonely after you leave...

Your sex is on fire...

Yesterday, I read a great review of the film Sex and the City 2 from Cinematical's Jenni Miller that confirmed all the fears I have regarding this movie.

Please note that both Katie and I were huge fans of the original series on HBO, but hated the first movie and have no desire to see the second. Another review I read (but cannot find now) said that the show and characters are perfect for a half-hour serial, but too much for anyone to handle in a movie format.

Read below for one of my favorite paragraphs from Jenni's review to see why I fear this film or click through to the entire review.

Sex and the City 2 not only panders to the worst stereotypes of Americans abroad but also to the Middle East. Watch as Charlotte stumbles in high heeled sandals in the desert and tries to get iPhone reception while riding a camel. Stare in horror as Samantha fellates a hookah pipe in public. Check out Carrie as she wanders the beach forlornly followed by her handsome manservant holding an umbrella to shield her from the sun. Look on aghast while the four of them perform "I Am Woman" in the middle of a giant karaoke club, complete with belly dancers. At least Miranda has enough sense to try and get Samantha to observe local custom and wear a little more clothing than usual, despite Samantha's menopausal hot flashes.

Considering my confirmed fears, I would like to offer up four alternative versions of the movie, one focused on each main character, that should've been made instead.

Sex and the City: Carrie's Cackling
In a scene reminiscent of A Christmas Carol, three ghosts visit Carrie to reveal the truth to her about her relationship failures past, present, and future. Although finally confronted with all the details as to why she's been dumped, cheated on, abandoned via Post-It Note, and otherwise loathed, she still doesn't see that it's her own annoying character traits that have caused it all. This movie bombs because Carrie was everyone's least favorite character on the show anyway.

Sex and the City: Miranda's Mullings
Miranda decides to quit her job as a lawyer after one final case... defending a big NYC mafioso against charges of battery, first degree murder, coercion, and anything else you can think of. When her defense fails, his family plants her in cement shoes in the Hudson River. Considering how much she has always preferred her career over family, her husband Steve never realizes she's gone.

Sex and the City: Samantha's Sluttery
Samantha spends the entire movie in quarantine as the CDC examines her and attempts to name the many mutated strains of sexually transmitted diseases and various bodily rashes she has collected during her sexual escapades.

Sex and the City: Charlotte's Shenanigans
My favorite of the bunch... Charlotte cracks under the strain of her "perfect life" facade and tracks down her first husband (Kyle McLaughlin) and goes Rambo on his family. The FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit is called out to help explain her mental snap.

I can guarantee a couple of these I'd be interested in watching.

I like that Norman is already showing his allegiance for the 2010 Stanley Cup Finals.

I shall show mine tomorrow.