kapgar

I hope you know that this will go down in your permanent record...

Today's Lyrical Challenge from Karl. The song is "Kiss Off" from the Violent Femmes.

Have you ever seen that episode of The Wonder Years where Kevin (Fred Savage) and his friends teepee their teacher? They did a number to his house. I can still remember the slow-motion sequence where they're practically dancing about in his yard tossing up roll after roll of toilet paper into his trees. When all was said and done, the teacher's house appeared as though it had suffered a mid-spring snowstorm. Everything was blanketed in pure white. It was a sight to behold.

As was my friend's house our senior year of high school.

There were a bunch of us who got together on a semi-regular basis to teepee the houses of people we knew. No one was safe from our wrath, except us. We would camp out in the backyard of one guy's house and plot everything out to perfection. We knew where to get the toilet paper, how we would transport everyone and everything, and exactly what route to use to escape. Oh, we had backup routes as well. I'm sure, if one of cars failed, we even had a backup plan for that. "Stormin'" Norman Schwarzkopf would've been proud.

One night, however, one of the regular crew, B, was unable to make it to one of our white-papered frenzies. I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but he was out of town entirely.

We sat in the tents in my friend's backyard debating who we would hit that night. Then it came to us... B! He would pay for not being there to assist us.

The six of us headed out to the local Omni Supermarket as they were the only ones who sold toilet paper in bulk. We knew that people were watching us as we pulled that cardboard carton of approximately 80 rolls of toilet paper down from the shelf. They knew what the three of us were doing. But they couldn't prove it.

In case you're wondering what happened to the other three of us (yes, I did say "six" of us headed to Omni), I'll tell you. To avoid arousing too much suspicion, the remaining three of us went in for a second case of 80 rolls a few minutes after the first crew finished their purchase.

No, for this assault, 80 rolls would not nearly be enough. We were going all out, cost be damned.

On the drive over, we began to divvy up the rolls. Some of us carried duffel bags or backpacks full. The others carried them in their arms. We parked a couple streets away and traversed the unfenced yards to B's house (yes, we even knew which yards had no fences so as to make travel that much quicker).

Then we went to town.

After about five minutes, we noticed a car heading down the street.

We all immediately tore off to our predetermined hiding places in the neighborhood.

Letters I've written, never meaning to send...

Holy crap! I can't believe I forgot to do this yesterday! I am so sorry. It just completely slipped my mind.

Today's Lyrical Challenge from Rick. The song is "Nights in White Satin" from The Moody Blues.

My dearest Noelle,

We've had a rocky relationship at best. And it's time to put this animosity to rest.

I met you nearly two years ago when Katie and I first moved in to our new home. You were also relatively new to your home. You had just moved in with your roommate, Kathy, in the unit next to ours about a week prior.

You would think this might mean we'd get along famously. We had so much in common as it was. We were both first-time homeowners. We both moved in within a week of each other. We live right next door to each other. Hell, our townhouses share a common walk-up. Plus, we get along very well with each other's spouse/roommate. I get along with Kathy and you get along with Katie.

So why not us? Why do you hate me so?

Anytime I am near you, I feel nothing but pure hatred seep out of the very core of your being. You eye me as though I was the enemy. You back away anytime I'm near. All you do is whine and complain when I come by to see Kathy.

To be perfectly honest, I can hear you moan when I enter my own place with no intention of visiting you or Kathy whatsoever.

Many times, I have held out my hand in a gesture of peace. I try to be nice to you. I always talk nicely to you. I've never said a bad word whatsoever about you despite your obvious mistrust of me.

So why are you such a bitch? That's right, I did it. I called you the five-letter "B" word. A violent reaction? Perhaps. But, in nearly two years of living next door to each other and you burning every olive branch I extend, I think I'm in the right calling you by that name.

I'm really tired of how poorly you treat me.

I'm sick of the griping.

I'm sick of the evil eye.

I'm tired of looking out in my backyard only to see you looking back at me.

That's just creepy.

Stop.

What's it going to take?

Do I have to keep a flippin' MilkBone in my pocket to make you like me?

Stupid dog.

Your pissed-off neighbor,

Kevin

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This is the third in a series of four lyrical challenge response posts. Today's post, suggested by Rick, was tied in third place with five votes. The remaining winner is:

• "I hope you know that this will go down in your permanent record" from "Kiss Off" by the Violent Femmes suggested by Karl (six votes)

I will complete Karl's challenge on Thursday, September 21, if I actually remember to do it this time.

Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round...

Today's Lyrical Challenge from rennratt. The song is "Fat Bottomed Girls" from Queen.

"I don't know what we're going to do if we move into a house where we actually have neighbors in back of us," Katie told me over the weekend.

"Huh? What do you mean? Why's that a big deal?" I asked.

"Well, I've just become so accustomed to not having anyone behind us and I enjoy keeping our shades open. But if we have neighbors behind us, we risk them looking in. And then there's you..."

"Me? What did I do?"

Then it dawned on me... my morning routine.

Katie is lucky in that she gets to sleep much later than I do on any given weekday morning. I work at 8 a.m. every weekday. But she works in a retail environment with a variable schedule. On Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, she doesn't work until 9 a.m. On Monday and Wednesday, she doesn't have to show up until 1 p.m. My workday is already more than half over by that time.

Despite my excessive jealousy over this arrangement, I tend to play the role of "Nice Hubby" and make as little noise as possible in our bedroom in the morning as I get ready for work. So I shower, brush my teeth, grab my clothes, and go downstairs.

Note that I said "grab my clothes" and not "get dressed."

Yeah, I have this habit of just grabbing my stuff and heading downstairs in nothing but my underwear. Why? Well, like I said above, I try to keep the bedroom as quiet as possible. However, this does seem kinda stupid considering the noise the shower makes. But I do it anyway; it's more the gesture than anything. Plus, we live in a townhouse complex where we are one of the middle units (read: no side windows). All we have are the little dome windows at the top of our front door and then the big sliding glass backdoor.

But, as I've also noted above, we have no neighbors behind us. All that's there is a berm with some tall pine trees. A couple hundred feet behind that we have railroad tracks. Then the empty surrounding fields for several hundred more feet. A major road. Some big backyards. Then, finally, houses.

But these houses are somewhere between a quarter and a third of a mile away. Unless they're looking through some high-powered binoculars, they ain't gonna see jack. Even if they do break out the peepers and decide they want to look, and, God forbid, keep looking, I might as well make it worth their while, right?

So, yeah, my morning consists of about a half hour of walking around downstairs in my underwear. I may even check e-mail or blog in my undies. Hey! If financial institutions can advertise banking in the clothes you were born in to promote their online services, surely I can justify blogging in my boxer briefs. At least I'm slightly more family friendly in my underwear.

To those of you who have met me in person, this concept may seem horrific. For those mental images, I apologize profusely. But never you worry should we become backyard neighbors. I am back in the gym and running again after about a month off. My pansy ass is gonna be slim and trim and binocular worthy. I promise! This wouldn't be a problem if exercise was fun.

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This is the second in a series of four lyrical challenge response posts. Today's post, suggested by rennratt, was tied in third place with five votes. The remaining two winners are:

• "I hope you know that this will go down in your permanent record" from "Kiss Off" by the Violent Femmes suggested by Karl (six votes)
• "Letters I've written; never meaning to send" from "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues suggested by Rick (five votes)

I will complete these other challenges on Tuesday, September 19 and Thursday, September 21, if all goes well. No word on which one will be posted next. That all depends upon my personal inspiration.

I leave you with photographs, pictures of trickery...

Today's Lyrical Challenge from Chase. The song is "Disintegration" by The Cure.

Can I make a suggestion to all of you out there reading this post right now? If you have boxes of miscellaneous stuff from your past, please go through it right now.

Yes, I mean stop whatever you are doing this instant and go examine the artifacts of your past before it affects your future. Put away the keyboard and mouse. If you are cooking something, stop. I don't care if it burns. If you are at work, grab your keys and drive home immediately.

Recently, an old acquaintance of mine and his fiancee had a "situation" arise in which she discovered a Case Logic CD book filled with discs that he had acquired throughout college. Some were the typical college things like class files, projects, pirated porn. The basics. Nothing much to worry about.

A couple others had files pertaining to an ex. A few photos of their past together, but also letters and e-mails avowing his love for her.

The same thing happened to me a couple years ago when Katie discovered a few photos of an ex-girlfriend of mine that I had no idea still existed. Yes, they were clean photos.

These were, of course, items from our past. These are things that neither of us cared about in the slightest, nor did we even realize we still had them. In my case, they were in a box I knew I had but whose contents I was unaware of. In his case, they just wound up in his black leather book o' discs, packed away and forgotten.

Until they were rediscovered.

It took a while for my friend to calm her down and convince her that he didn't even know he still had them. He was more than willing to dispose of them had he even realized he still had them. They were just in a box that he brought back from college. See no evil... you know how it goes.

So I would recommend that you save yourself from potential headaches and dispose of these things that "mean nothing to you." Find a moment when you can be alone to examine all the boxes labeled "My Stuff" that are in your attic, closet, crawlspace, basement, etc., and throw them out.

Nay, destroy the discs, papers, CDs, photos, etc. Employ sledgehammers, drill presses, tin snips, chainsaws, blowtorches... whatever it takes. Then burn the remains. Finally, bury the ashes.

In situations such as this, "thorough" is the operative word.

You'll thank me and my friend later.

---

This is the first in a series of four lyrical challenge response posts. Today's post, suggested by Chase, was the number one vote getter with seven. The other three winners were:

• "I hope you know that this will go down in your permanent record" from "Kiss Off" by the Violent Femmes suggested by Karl (six votes)
• "Letters I've written; never meaning to send" from "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues suggested by Rick (tie, five votes)
• "Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round" from "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen suggested by rennratt (tie, five votes)

I will complete these other challenges on Thursday, September 14; Tuesday, September 19; and Thursday, September 21, if all goes well. No word on which ones will be posted in which order, though. That all depends upon my personal inspiration.

I get down on my knees, I do anything for you...

The time to vote is nigh!

Yes, I apologize, but it is time to stop nominating songs and get on with picking them.

I just realized that in Thursday's post, I said I was going to do this "tomorrow" as in what is now yesterday or Friday. Whoops. I think I was anticipating the weekend being here a bit too early. I had a mental image of this happening on Saturday, but was thinking (or maybe just wishing) that I was posting that on a Friday. Talk about jumping the gun. My bad.

I have chosen one or two lyrics from each person who posited a challenge and now you all get to vote. Just pick your four favorites and tell me in the comments. Each of you can vote only once. And each of you can only vote on a single lyric once. No stacking by giving your lyric all four of your votes. In cases of ties, I will break them. It's my blog and I'm going to be the one writing these, so I have that right.

Hey boy, welcome to reality...

Kapgar's Lyrical Challenge
Reality is suddenly setting in regarding yesterday's post. Here I was thinking no one would be interested in the concept and now I've got 18 people involved and 54 song lyrics suggested... and that's just so far.

Don't worry, I'm not wussing out on this. I plan to go through with it. I said I would and I will. I've just got to develop a more concrete plan as I wasn't expecting this much participation.

I think I'm going to leave it open for more suggestions until tomorrow. However, at some point during the day, I will simply declare it done, weed through them all, and pick out one or two lyrics from each person. Tomorrow's post will consist of those suggestions and you all get to vote on your four favorites. I'll tally up the totals, and the top four vote getters will be my blog topics.

From there, I am planning to blog two per week over the next two weeks. I was thinking of doing it on Tuesdays and Fridays. If I like how it all turns out, I will open the post back up to more suggestions and we'll go through the whole shebang again.

Sound cool?

Oh, and you can get to the post by simply clicking on the "kapgar's lyrical challenge" button in the left menubar.

Paperless receipts
For any of you who have ever bought anything online, you are accustomed to receiving paperless receipts in the form of e-mail confirmations of your order.

But have you ever had this happen to you at a bricks-and-mortar retail store?

It happened to me yesterday at the Apple Store in Oak Brook. I bought something and they asked me for my e-mail address. I didn't think much about it because my e-mail is already registered with Apple.com for any number of warranties, e-mail newsletters, and the iTunes Music Store. But then the guy explained that Apple is slowly phasing out paper receipts in favor of electronic ones.

Sure enough, the next time I checked my e-mail, there was my receipt. I thought it was pretty cool. Now I just need to back up my e-mail in case it crashes. I'd hate to lose that.

I don't want anybody else...

As I've been doing for more than a year now, my post titles are always song lyrics or song titles (or some bastardization thereof). And this theme of mine has always made me wonder about a possible challenge involving all of you, my dear readers.

However, I've held off on this idea for a few months now for a couple of reasons. 1) I wasn't sure if there would be any interest; and 2) I'm afraid of what you all will come up with.

Having Chase chime in with continued lyrics to yesterday's post title (which was George Michael's "One More Try," by the way) made me realize that #1 need not be a concern. At least a few of you might be interested. #2 still worries me, though. But I'm going to muscle through my initial trepidations and see what happens.

What I want to do is have all of you suggest lyrics for me for a post. I will pick out a few of my favorite suggestions and blog using them as the driving theme. Whether the post actually winds up being what you expect it to be is something we'll all discover together. I will try to blog about something that has or will soon actually happen to me in real life, but I can't guarantee it. If I only get a few suggestions, I'll eventually post about them all. If I get a ton, we may hold a vote to get the "People's Choice," per se.

A few caveats...

1. These must be real songs and ones that I either already know or are verifiable by listening to the song on iTunes or having you all send me the track so I can hear that it's real and you're not just making stuff up to screw with my head. So, in addition to the specific lyric, I will also need the band/artist name and song title.
2. KISS - Keep It Short and Sweet. I try to keep my post titles to a single line on my blog. Don't send me the entire chorus. Just pick a single line from the song.
3. Be creative; but don't frighten me, please.
4. No DiVinyl's "I Touch Myself." 'Nuff said.

The posting schedule remains to be determined based on participation. Depending on the popularity of this idea, I may try to make it a regular occurrence.  I'll post revisions to this challenge in the comments.

No matter how you look at it, it sounds like an interesting challenge to me in terms of creative writing.

I'm either extremely brave or insanely friggin' stupid.

So who will be the daring first challenger?

UPDATE (9/12): The first round of Kapgar's Lyrical Challenge is now closed. However feel free to make suggestions here for the second round. Here are the resulting nominations and first-round voting. And here are the resulting posts:

Post 1 • Post 2 • Post 3 • Post 4

Won't get fooled again...

I recently took part in a writing initiative over at Literary Hype based on the Akira Kurosawa film Rashomon. I have yet to see Rashomon, but from what I've been told, it's the story of a murder whose details are being explained by several different individuals and all the stories are completely different. If you want a better analysis, check out Hyperion's review on Movie Hype. And, yes, this film is now on the top of my Netflix queue.

Hyperion, who headed up the project, found two pieces of related artwork ...

one a murder scene

the other a council of bishops conferring about the murder

... and assigned several of us a character to write as. He gave us a rough sketch of what was happening, a description of each person in the paintings, and a few other details to stew on, and we all went to work.

The end result of our efforts can be found on the Hyperion Institute along with links to each individual tale.

I actually wrote my part of the story a little over a week ago. It's weird to go back and reread it.

But, I do hope you enjoy it!

Fuel is pumping engines...

An ode to Full Throttle Fury energy drink...

This morning, I woke up, my brain on hold,
My joints were stiff, I was feeling so old.

But I planned ahead, I knew I'd need gas,
A little something to kick my sad ass.

Last night at White Hen, I went to the back,
Where energy drinks were lining the rack.

Vitamin Water, Red Bull, and Rockstar,
So many are crap, some taste like pure tar.

There in front of me, a can in jet black,
You'd helped me before to get my day on track.

Full Throttle's your name, with a citrus taste,
You gave my day zip, got rid of the haste.

But, behold on your left, what's this I see?
A can in red? A new you called Fury?

I'm a marketing whore, I like new stuff,
This logo, so tribal, so mean, so tough.

Today I awoke and pulled up the tab,
The smell inside gave my senses a jab.

I took my first sip, I drank it right down,
Such a foolish choice, I'm such a damn clown.

My eyes shot open, my feet left the floor,
My body in gear went straight for the door.

I should know better, I don't want to die,
Dropped down in a hole and covered in lye.

A wise man I'm not; my instincts, they stank,
All sixteen ounces in this can I drank.

Read these words I've written here on display,
If given a can, Sweet Christ, run away.

In all fairness, though, this stuff is not bad,
If you've got a stomach that's ironclad.

If energy drinks are truly your "thing,"
Then Full Throttle Fury's praises you'll sing.

Yeah, I was floating after this can. Quite reminiscent of my espresso pulling days. Yowza! But I sure got a lot of work done and I wasn't complaining about it in the slightest. Amazing how little complaining you do when you have the energy of a stampede of wild horses.

Lost Blogs: The Grand Reveal!

Some of you have figured me out, some of you have not.

Allow me to recap some of the clues I gave each day before I tell you who I was Lost Blogging as.

Just so you don't tune out on this post, the six winners (yes... six! Pauly upped it on us) are listed at the end of this post. Woo hoo!

Day 1:

• 1947
• Dying at age 30 (born in 1917)
• Louis and Clarence
• "Big Red"
• Speaking in a foreign language (BIG clue)
• Legs carry him to victory

Day 2:

• Augie who enlisted in "The Great War" at very advanced age
• Cutesy little nickname after her husband
• "Adopted" by Sam

Day 3:

• Loved running
• Feet professionally pedicured
• Feet must be comfortable
• Not being loved if they lose

Day 4:

• Old-fashioned camera
• Racing partner screwed up his start
• Came in second place only once in career

Day 5:

• Defeated by Upset
• Wannabe jellyfish
• Street in hometown
• "I'm craving an apple"

Now, let's see who I am...

Yes, I would be the great racehorse, Man O' War!

Shocked? Dismayed? Ah, I even said in the last e-mail about the contest that you could be an animal if you could come up with one distinguishable enough that it could be guessed.

And nearly a dozen of you did guess me.

The big kudos go to SJ and Neil, though. They got me on Day 1. Scared the bejeebus out of me that someone guessed me that quickly. I was afraid it was all downhill from there.

Now, let's give my clues a closer analysis...

Day 1:

• 1947 - I would hope no explanation would be necessary.
• Dying at age 30 (born in 1917) - same here.
  
• Louis and Clarence - Louis Feustel, his trainer, and Clarence Kummer, his second jockey.
• "Big Red" - only two big-named racehorses with this nickname; the other was Secretariat.
• Speaking in a foreign language (BIG clue) - how would you expect a horse to understand English? But, like any animal, they can detect tonality and attitude which, in turn, affects their demeanor.
• Legs carry him to victory - a runner, obviously.
   

Day 2:

• Augie who enlisted in "The Great War" at very advanced age - August Belmont, Jr., who enlisted in WWI (known as "The Great War" prior to 1939 and the start of WWII) and was the namesake of the Belmont Stakes.
• Cutesy little nickname after her husband - Her husband was the soldier, and Man O' War was named after that fact.
• "Adopted" by Sam - Sam Riddle who bought Man O' War in 1918 at the age of one.

Day 3:

• Loved running - no explanation, I would hope.
• Feet professionally pedicured - I was going to actually start to mention shoes and having to change them prior to a race day; but that may have been too much of a giveaway.
• Feet must be comfortable - very important for any runner.
• Not being loved if they lose - breeders want their stud to be a champion in order to breed more champions. Man O' War bred 64 stakes champions and 200 other winners. His grandson was Seabiscuit. No one wants to love a loser because they're not allowed to. Why stud a loser when you can stud a champ?

Day 4:

• Old-fashioned camera - just a timeline giveaway.
• Racing partner screwed up his start - the racing partner was actually his jockey, Johnny Loftus, who had him in the starting gate backwards and didn't have time to turn him around before the starting gun fired.
• Came in second place only once in career - Man O' War won 20 of 21 races in his two-year career and set three world records, two American records, and three track records.

Day 5:

• Defeated by Upset - not just a nickname; this was the actual name of the horse that defeated Man O' War. But, who knows, to a horse, these could just be nicknames. Maybe, amongst themselves, they do have "real" names for each other. We'll never know.
• Wannabe jellyfish - the Portuguese Man O' War, which is commonly believed to be a jellyfish, but is actually a siphonophone.
• Street in hometown - Man O' War Boulevard in Lexington, Kentucky. I once lived less than a half mile from MOW Blvd.
• "I'm craving an apple" - that should be a dead giveaway that this is a horse. (I could've also said "carrots," but do I really need to throw you that many bones?"
  

Making sense now? I hope so.

Hope you all enjoyed taking part in this Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign. I know I had a blast.

But, now it's time for business as usual at kapgar.com.

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The Winners' Circle:
C'mon! Would you expect less from a guy who spent a week blogging as a horse?

Congrats to all of you who participated! You did a great job and all deserve recognition.

A few words from Paul...

This was OBVIOUSLY tough.  Everyone's were well-written, creative, and ingenious but I had to pick six so I picked these based on how "real" they felt to me or how authentic the voices sounded. And humor, well, humor is always good.

Congrats to these people and thanks again.

For those of you that Pauly picked, please e-mail me your full name and mailing address. I will be forwarding these to Paul so he can send you your prize booty!

In no particular order (I think):

• Blogography (Dave)
• Secondhand Tryptophan (Karl)
• Who Do I Have to Fuck to Get Laid (Mikey)
• Two Thoughts Before the Epiphany (Rabbit) - Holy cow! I finally will learn Rabbit's secret identity! Muahaha!
• Star Inside (Nicole)
• Taste the World (Chase)

Acceptance speeches can be posted in the comments to this thread. Heh.

Congrats to all, you lucky stiffs!