kapgar

The best things in life are free (or close to it)...

Two tickets to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:	free (birthday passes)
One medium Cherry Coke:	$3.25
Two burritos at Chipotle:	free (ticket stub redemption)
Chips and salsa at Chipotle:	$1.35
Watching After the Sunset on cable:	free
Sipping blended drinks using alcohol we already have:	free
Date with my wife for under $5.00:	priceless

Lazy days can be the best.  For everything else, there's...

Nah, I'm not taking it that far.  I used cash.

To Tell the Truth (part 2).

Editor's Note: Some of you may not be receiving notice of this post until Saturday, December 17 via Bloglines or whatever aggregator you use despite the fact that it's dated the 16th.  Typepad went down pretty much the entire day on the 16th.  And I had this written early in the morning on that day.  It's been sitting, waiting, wishing to be posted.  So I postdated it.  Hope that's okay with all of you.

Since I'm on the topic of admitting personal inabilities, I guess there is one more little quirk of which I'm completely incapable... I cannot wink.

Yes, of course, I can blink both my eyes to moisten my corneas or brush away dust or, best yet, fall asleep.  But I cannot wink a single eye.  The whole "knowing wink" thing has always eluded me.

Back in high school, I was part of a group that was dedicated to drug and alcohol awareness (the "STAR Program," maybe? I don't really remember the name).  One day, we had a big group activity for something like 200 of us where we would all walk around in the gym and one of us was to wink to everyone else as we shook their hand.  Five seconds later, the person who was winked to was supposed to fall over and play dead.  This activity was meant to simulate how diseases can be spread amongst populations of people.  A few people standing off to the side had to guess who the disease carrier was based on "death" patterns.

Of course, I was chosen to be the disease.  No jokes, please.  I know you wanna.

And, I couldn't wink.

So I had to walk around and whisper to people, "I can't wink, so pretend I did and fall down dead in five seconds."  I actually had to explain it some people a couple times. 

Somehow, I made it through about half the group's population before being nabbed.  Maybe the judges were actively looking for a winker and, since they never found one, I was safe.  Can't say for sure.  However, if I was actually able to wink, I may have had the opportunity to kill a larger percentage of my fellow students.  A wink is far more efficient than a verbal explanation of what to do next.

And not being able to wink is annoying when it comes to those shared tidbits of knowledge amongst people.  When a secret is shared, one person may wink their acknowledgment or understanding of the information with the other person.  I got a lot of those winks.  All I could do was nod or give an eyebrow raise back to let them know I was hip to it. 

Not nearly as cool as a knowing wink.

Oh, and don't get me started on people who can raise a single eyebrow.  That's something else altogether.

It really annoys me that I can neither wink nor read lips. 

Does it matter that I can snap with every single finger on both hands?  No. 

Does it matter that I can whistle three different ways (pursed lip exhale, pursed lip inhale, and smiled exhale - great way to annoy teachers as they can never tell who's doing it)?  No. 

Because I can't wink or read lips.

And these inabilities make me feel like an outcast.

Why God?  Why can I not do those things?  Just let me wink.  Once.  Just once.

To Tell the Truth.

Confession Time:

I cannot read lips.

I know, I know.  It's a travesty, isn't it? 

This fact becomes glaringly obvious in staff meetings when people try mouthing messages to me while someone else is talking.  I sit there with a blank stare on my face and mouth back to them, "I can't read lips."  To which they respond, "huh?"

So, apparently, I'm not the only with LRD (Lip Reader Deficiency). 

I'll admit that there are several times that this has probably been a bad thing.  For all I know, there could have been some random person across the room trying to mouth that they had a million dollars for me, but I'd never have known.   

Perhaps this is why my dating life, P.K. (Pre-Katie), was so haphazard.  I never consistently dated.  Just little patches of dating here and there.  Now that I start to think about it, that girl mouthing something across the bar in college could have been telling me she wanted to jump my bones, but all I got out of it was, "I like to eat scones."

I never understood how one learns to read lips.  Honestly, these people must be considered some of the worst listeners in the field of one-on-one communication.  I say this because, in my eyes, the only way to become adept at lip reading is to sit and watch someone's lips constantly and keep attempting to comprehend what is being said.  This requires a complete tuning out of what is really being said by the speaker.  The speaker then becomes frustrated by the fact that the recipient of their verbal message always hungers for triangular pastries over sex, and they move on to a more receptive listener. 

And thus the lip-read learning cycle begins anew with a different subject.

Honestly, I don't think it's too terrible that I do not know how to read lips.  It does have its moments of inconvenience, but overall, I can deal with it.

At least I'm not in a 12-step scone addiction program.

Why don't you come with me, little girl, on a magic carpet ride?

Bang, bang, bang go the hammers...

A crew from one of Home Depot's many outsourced installation companies is now banging around our house (and likely pissing off our neighbors as it's only a little after nine in the morning) as they install the padding and carpeting in our stairs and upstairs hallway. 

We ordered some replacement carpet a little over a month ago and we're finally seeing its installation.  The old carpet was... okay, so "well worn" might be the understatement of the century.  I can't even imagine what the original color may have been.  Some kind of cream, I think.  But now it has become a hodge podge of different stains and scuff marks through years of life with two children (the people before us) and then some moving in, moving out, and moving around.  I'm sure that doesn't necessarily bode well on the lifespan of carpet.  Plus, it was buckling in a couple areas.  That can be very annoying if you tend to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or get a drink and drag your feet out of sheer laziness.

But, hey, it's being replaced.  That's the good thing... one good thing.  The other is that the people at Depot told us the installation crew would be here "sometime before noon."  Yeah, you could say that.  They were here at nine.  That's well before noon in my book.  Wish SBC and Comcast were that good.

Shame we didn't finish taking out all the old carpet, padding, and tack strips last night when we started.  As it happened, we were woken up at 7:45 this morning by their call center telling us they would be here in "45 minutes to an hour and a half."  So much for sleeping in. 

We jumped out of bed and started tearing up what was left of the old carpet.  We finished the hallway and the upper flight of stairs last night, so we didn't have much left to do.  But making sure all those stupid staples were out was a major pain in the arse.

So, while most of the crew is installing new tack strips in the hallway, the rest are measuring our "upgraded" padding (hey, when we buy carpet, we go all out, or so it would seem); Katie's upstairs watching, ironically enough, Home Improvement (the eldest son, Brad, is serving as Tim's assistant on Tool Time in this episode); and I'm here chronicling all the goings on.

I need a nap.

UPDATE: Two hours later and they're done.  Now Katie and I are walking around in our barefeet recreating the Die Hard "roll your toes in the carpet" scene.

Baby, it's cold outside...

Last night, as we drove home from working at the gym, Katie and I were placing bets as to whether our association fees were actually paying off and they were plowing and shovelling around our townhome.  Believe it or not, they were digging us out of the five inches of snow we were hammered with yesterday (Midway Airport, where the plane skidded off the runway, got nine inches).

Well, maybe not at that exact moment, but they had been working on it.

When we were driving up to the turn on our street, two plows were blocking our chances at straight-ahead movement while a third plow was blocking half the road we wanted to turn on.  So I had to make quite a wide right turn. 

In the middle of the turn, Katie yelled to me to stop.  There was a yellow lab that had ambled out in the street from a driveway and didn't even care that a car was coming right at it.

For some completely inexplicable reason, I flashed it with my high beams (yeah, a dog's gonna know what to do with that, right?).  He turned and walked up to my door and just looked at me.  I started to pull forward very slowly hoping he would back up.  He must've because I didn't hear any howling or feel any bump.  Thank God.

Upon arrival at our home, I noticed that the bush by our driveway, which we had covered in white lights, was now also covered in a layer of snow resulting in a very eery glow from the lights trapped under their frozen blanket.  Katie knew what I wanted to do, so she ran in and grabbed my digicam so I could snap some shots.

As I took some photos, I noticed the dog trotting up the middle of our street.  I slapped the side of my thigh and whistled for the dog to come over.  He did so quite happily.  After I scratched his back and head a couple times, he bolted for my front door.  When I walked over to the garage, he ran in after me and started rolling around on the floor and wagging his paws in the air.  I figured he must've been cold so I grabbed a couple shop towels and patted his paws dry.  He seemed to really appreciate it and just kept wagging his tail and following me whereever I went in the garage and out in the snow.

Katie and I own no pets... for a combination of reasons, really: 1) we're not sure our place is really big enough, especially for a dog the size of a lab; 2) we both have minor allergies, nothing terrible, but enough to mildly aggravate our sinuses when we visit the homes of people that do have pets (I have had pets before -- two cats -- and been able to deal with the allergies, though); and 3) we just don't have the money to take care of pets.

We weren't sure what we were going to do about this lab.  I'm sure if I opened the door to the house, he would've jetted his way inside.  In fact, he almost did when Katie opened the door to watch me take photos.  She got the door closed just in time as a flash of yellow and white fur tore in her general direction.

I walked back outside and started playing with the dog again in the snow.  He was soaking up the attention.  However, as soon as one of the plows rolled by, he ran off after it.  I dunno if he was bored with my attention or maybe he actually belonged to one of the plowers and was allowed to run around for a little while as they did their work.

I guess we'll never know.  We didn't see him again. 

We slept like crap last night worrying about this dog.  And, if we happened to see him again or heard him outside, I'm pretty sure we would've let him in, allergies be damned.  But we never did.

This morning, I looked around outside our place and saw no fresh pawprints.  Ideally this means he found his home or one of the maintenance guys was his owner.  Either one of those options are the only ones I want to consider at this point.

That's my beer, not his.

Fizzy, fuzzy, big and buzzy...

I've gotta tell you all something... there's nothing like sledding in the dead of night.

My brother, Brian, and his fiance, Jen, came to our place tonight because Jen and Katie were going to go to some purse party while Brian and I played video games and whatnot.  Well, when they got back, it had been snowing pretty well (sorry to rub it in, SJ), and Jen wanted to go play in the snow.  You see, she's from SoCal and has never experienced snow in all its natural glory before.

So we did just that.  We went outside and had a snowball fight and made snow angels.  We also made some meals of the snow and took a few photos.

Then, despite it being 9:30 at night, we opted to head to Wal-Mart and pick up sleds so we could go to a local sledding area and enjoy the snow.

And, boy, did we.  Nobody was there (although it was obvious someone had been earlier in the night).  Three of the four sleds we bought were useless.  But the fourth, an inflatable triangle that we have since dubbed "Bermuda" (because, once you get in it, you "disappear" like the Bermuda Triangle), was incredible.  We were setting land speed and distance records on it.  We sledded for about 45 minutes soaking every square inch of our bodies.

Sopping wet, we went straight to our favorite watering hole and picked up some chips and salsa, beers, and lemon drop shots.  Finally, we ended the night with some take-out McDonald's and Die Hard on cable.

How can you top this night?  I don't think it's possible.  It was just too much fun.

Yeah, the holiday spirit is coarsing through me now in full force.

Can you picture this?

Key Wester
If you're ever in the western Chicago suburb of Naperville, might I recommend a cozy little restaurant?  It's called Key Wester and it's a seafood place that is just spectaculah.  Okay, "cozy" is not the right word as it's a pretty big place, but it's really nice and comfortable inside.

We went there last night as a co-celebration of mine and my brother's birthdays.  And we had fun.  Good food.  Good liquor.

I told my friend, Brian, that we were going there and he gave me a few words of advice when I informed him that my parents were paying.  "Kevin... Surf & Turf and a $90 bottle of wine." 

I took that advice.  I had me some Surf & Turf and damn was it good... 9 ounce cold water lobster tail and an 8 ounce filet mignon.  To die for (sorry, Dave, I know you're a vegetarian).  But we also had a new wine that they were stocking in-house.  It was a pinot noir and I can't remember the name of the winery it came from.  I've got it written down, but not on me  Sorry.  If anyone's interested in knowing the brand, I'll look it up for you.  Just let me know in the comments.  No, we did not get the whole bottle, but Katie and I each had a glass.  This was in addition to the 7/7 that I had before the meal.  Yeah, a good time was had.

Now I just want to know what Katie got me for my birthday.  She's been torturing me with it since Tuesday.  And I don't get it until either sometime this weekend or on my actual birthday.  She hasn't decided yet.

Flickr Update
I felt I should let you all know that I finally got off my lazy butt and did something I said would happen nearly a week ago.  That's right, I posted the Chicago photos from last Friday.  Yikes.  I completely forgot about them.  I loaded them to iPhoto on our Mac, but overlooked Flickr entirely.  So check them out and let me know what you think (you can leave comments there as well).

#200
What I'm having trouble believing is that I've only been doing this TypePad thing since the middle of June and I'm already at post #200.  Yep, you're reading the big 2G.  Yikes.  How long can I keep this up without burning out or going insane?  Stayed tuned and find out, folks!

"I've got somethin' to say.  It's better to burn out, than fade away"
--The Kurgan, The Highlander (and Neil Young and Def Leppard)

Final Thought to Ponder
If you had the qualifications and an opportunity to have any job you wanted in known history, what would it be?  Oh, and money and legality are not an issue (have fun with this one, Johnny).

I'm still pondering.  I had an answer, but then I decided to expand the question to include all "known history."  Oh the possibilities!

I can't stand to fly, I'm not that naive...

I don't know why I started pondering this one today, but, if you could be any superhero or have any superpower, what would it be?  Each character has his positives and negatives and each ability has its merits and pratfalls.

So, let's examine some of the most common...

Superheroes:

Superman
(image courtesy of www.capedwonder.com)

• pros - flight, super strength, x-ray vision.
• cons - big aversion to Kryptonite and apparently surrounded by stupid people who cannot tell that he's actually Clark Kent.

Spider-Man

• pros - webslinging and wall crawling.
• cons - that costume that you're forced to wear under your everyday clothes has gotta be rank and itchy; your powers are all superficial, you lose your webslingers and you've got nuthin'; if there are no buildings around, face it, you're useless.

Batman

• pros - all the cool toys and his brooding attitude must get all the chicks.
• cons - much like Spidey, everything is a toy meaning that your abilities are nothing without them.

The Incredible Hulk

• pros - strength up the yin yang and, if the movie has any truth to it whatsoever, the ability to jump very long distances.
• cons - you're green and you have to wear torn purple pants, 'nuff said.

Wonder Woman

• pros - sexiest. female. superhero. ever.  Magic lasso, invisible jet (no need for air traffic clearances).
• cons - running in those heels has gotta be a bitch; otherwise, nada that I can think of.

Aquaman

• pros - the ability to communicate with sea creatures and hold your breath for an inordinate amount of time.
• cons - not too many human "companions" would be able to spend much time with you in your primary place of residence... that leaves... oh gawd.

Wolverine

• pros - adamantium endoskeleton assures rapid healing and those claws rock.
• cons - hope you never need to go to an airport or government building

Superpowers:
I think you can each figure out the "merits and pratfalls" of each ability on your own

• Invisibility
• Ability to fly (whether on your own or with the assistance of an invisible jet)
• Immunity to bullets or other physical harm
• Webswinging/wallcrawling
• Holding your breath (doesn't sound so cool when you read it like this)
• The Batmobile (not really a superpower, per se, but worthy of mention)
• Superstrength
• Superior butt kicking skills (not necessarily the same as "superstrength" in my book)

Yes, there are many more superheroes out there and I'm sure I'm missing a bunch of abilities as well.  But, what do you think?  If you could be any one of these superheroes or have any of these superpowers, which would it be?  Feel free to list something that's not here.

Typically, and despite the post title, I'm very much in favor of flight.  But, right about now, I think I'd prefer either invisibility or superimmunity.  Just my current state of mind.

And welcome to the terrordome...

Just a few minutes ago, I coined a new phrase that I think might catch on quite big.  It is...

Nuptial Terrorism - 'n&p-sh&l 'ter-&r-"i-z&m - noun - the act of inflicting pain and sufferring, whether mental or physical, on one spouse by the other.  May be done out of spite or hatred or, in some twisted instances, as a term of endearment.

I came up with this phrase while Katie was curled up on my lap on the couch in our living room.  We had the movie Stealing Home on in the background (one of our personal faves) and we were talking, cuddling, etc. 

Then she started to pinch me.  No, no, no.  You don't do that and not expect some kind of retaliatory attack.  Hey, what goes around comes around, right?

So I coined this phrase and informed her that it had been immediately committed to the law register and is punishable by tickling. 

I really don't think she appreciated the efficiency of our legal system in judging on this matter.  In fact, she cursed and swore as I tickled her sides.

Bear in mind, this phrase can be applied to either member of a relationship.  Man v Woman, Woman v Man, Man v Man, Woman v Woman, etc. (hopefully, you do not fall into an "et cetera" category).

Feel free to employ this legal precedent the next time you are the victim of nuptial terrorism.  Should you need more reference material, contact the law offices of Kapgar.com, Esq.  We will be more than happy to provide you with the necessary documentation of this new legal measure.

You do not need to be afraid to report instances of nuptial terrorism.  In fact, hiding these despicable acts will only make matters worse as those who commit N.T. once are likely to do it again and again until they are stopped.

Do not allow yourself to become a victim of nuptial terrorism.

It's the most wonderful time...

Today could not have been more perfect in oh so many ways.

Today was our day with Katie's family for our annual Black Friday Chicago trip.  Each year, we dare the crowds and shop on our own with no real agenda.  If we're actually good and have our shopping finished for Christmas, we go downtown and laugh at all the other shoppers.  Unfortunately, Katie and I are not done with our shopping, so laughing was not an option.

But, Katie and I began the day much nicer than we usually do.  Instead of waking up for the Black Friday early morning sales at Best Buy, et al, we slept in.  Yep, we decided to say "screw it" to the lines and the headaches and the early morning crap and just sleep in.  There really wasn't anything of interest to us in these sales.  Well, that's not entirely true.  If all goes well, my brother will have picked up seasons 1-3 of The Shield for me on DVD at Best Buy.  He was going in to buy Jen one of the Motorola RAZR phones that were on sale for $39.99 and I told him that, since he was already going to be there, he could buy me those as my birthday gift.  Saved us some headaches.  And, each season was priced at only $19.99.  We'll find out if he actually did it.

We then went to Kohl's and bought me a new winter coat.  I do have one nice thick winter coat, but I've been wanting to replace the black car coat I had a couple years ago.  So she helped me pick out a slate grey driving jacket that is just sweet.  Afterwards, we headed downtown.

Traffic was pretty easy, which is a severe rarity.  We found where Katie's family was at and got some parking.  Then we hit a few stores.  Including, of course, The Apple Store on Michigan Avenue.  This is one of the "flagship" stores, or so I've read.  And, every time I enter the place, I want to drop to my knees in hushed worship.  I drool.  Well, not literally; that would just be embarrassing.  More on this visit to My Personal Mecca tomorrow.

After hitting some more of the stores on upper Michigan Avenue, we headed to lower Michigan Avenue (south of the Chicago River) for places like Marshall Fields, Old Navy, etc.  Katie and I got our picture taken in front of the soon-to-be defunct Marshall Field's (they were purchased by Macy's parent company and will be changing their name soon) and I think that picture may be used for our holiday cards.

We met up with Katie's aunt, uncle, and cousins and hung out a bit for lunch and some shopping.  Then we went our separate ways with plans to meet later that night for chili at the condo of Dana, one of Katie's cousins.

However, our meeting time was several hours ahead and we didn't know what to do to fill the time.  So we wandered to the Germanfest that is sponsored annually around this time near Daley Plaza.  Little did we know that today is the day they light the big Christmas tree in Daley Plaza.  Great way to fill the time and we did.  You want to make it even better?  As we stood there waiting by the tree, it started snowing.  Not just a little bit of snow, either.  It built up consistently until it became a pretty strong snowstorm and was actually sticking to the ground. 

How much better can it get than to witness the lighting of Chicago's official Christmas tree in the middle of a mini snowstorm?  In my humble opinion, it would be hard to top that.  There is no better way that I can think of to fire up the Christmas spirit and Katie and I were both feeling it after that.

We then went to Dana's condo and ate chili and played games.  Doesn't sound like much, but we had fun.  An excruciating game of Taboo pitting the men against the women and I still say they cheated.  There were seven of them against five of us.  How is that fair?

Yes, I have pictures from today and I will post them, likely, tomorrow.  But it's pretty late right now and I think I'm going to bed.  I just wanted to get some of this information up today so you don't think I'm bailing on you.