kapgar

And many more...

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday, dear Kappy!
Happy birthday to me!

Okay, so I already kinda sorta wished myself a happy birthday a day in advance. At the time, I didn't think I'd actually post today. But here I am.

Actually, I just wanted to point out that I can finally listen to my iPod(s) in style! Katie bought me a pair of Bose in-ear headphones. While they take a little getting used to, once you do, they sound fantastic! Wow. You never realize just how bad cheap earbuds are until you hear good stuff. And these definitely constitute "good stuff." Thanks, hon!

Does the use of the die to convey the 33 kinda imply that I'm gambling with my life? Hmmm... maybe that wasn't the best choice, eh?

Oh, and on the dice theme... while I was searching for good dice images, I came across a real beauty. Since I've already solved the Rubik's Cube (now several dozen times - I've memorized it), I think I might try to follow the step by step and make the Magnetic Dice Rubik's Cube I found over at Instructables. It's pretty sweet!

Hey, got a meme for you in the extended post. Hope you're up for some holiday spirit!

Blue, blue, blue Christmas...

If there's any one thing I learned from multiple dorm viewings in college, it's that good scripts and plots are very much the exception in the porn industry. Who needs a script and plot (and acting for that matter) when sex is all you are trying to convey?

Well, me. Back in the day when watching these sorts of films was commonplace for young men, it would've been nice to legitimize the affair a bit by being able to claim that these films bordered (and I use that loosely) on art.

Therefore, I think I'm going to make it a point to start writing the thinking man's (and woman's) porn scripts.

I've actually already got several ideas in my head. No, the other head, you pervert. The one north of my shoulders.

But the problem is that I am a married man. I hope to have kids some day. And I'm a professional in the tech industry. So there really is no way I can legitimately use my real name when writing these scripts.

This is where you come in. I need a good porn pseudonym... basically just a pen name under which I can write these scripts and not rouse suspicion from those I know.

Any ideas?

I'd also like to know... if you were to do something similar, what would be your nom de plume?

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): Today's sign that the apocalypse is on us comes in the form of a CD that I picked up at the library last week. It's titled Monster Ballads Xmas and features many of the great hair bands performing holiday standards. Check some of these out...

• Skid Row - "Jingle Bells"
• Winger - "Happy Christmas (War is Over)"
• Jani Lane of Warrant - "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
• Twisted Sister with Lita Ford - "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
• Queensryche - "White Christmas"
• L.A. Guns - "Run Rudolph Run"
• Firehouse - "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
• Danger Danger - "Naughty Naughty Christmas"
• Tom Kiefer of Cinderella - "Blue Christmas"
• Nelson - "Jingle Bell Rock"
• Faster Pussycat - "Silent Night"
• Dokken - "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
• Enuff Z'nuff - "Happy Holiday"
• Stryper - "Winter Wonderland"
• Billy Idol - "Christmas Love"

Wow. I just don't know what to say other than I can't wait to hear this one!

On the topic of music, got a meme for you in the extended post.

It's a nice day for a white wedding...

Hold on a sec! I think I may be on to something here...

The other day, I was talking to an old friend on the phone and she mentioned something strange that happened to her.

"So The Man (her husband) and I received a wedding invitation today and I'll be damned if either of us know who these people are. We've been sitting here for an hour running through lists of friends, family, colleagues, and their kids and we can't figure it out. We even tried Googling them in hopes of finding a picture and we've got nothing."

After I was done laughing, an idea popped up in my head. How brilliant a scam would it be, if you're about to get married, to just drive around the ritzier neighborhoods in your city and surrounding towns and find the addresses of those people who look very well-to-do. Then you Google their addresses or use some other method to get their name. Next step is to send them a wedding invitation, but you must personalize it as well. For example, handwrite a note at the bottom of the invite saying something like, "I really can't wait to see you again, it's been far too long!"

Odds are they won't show up, but maybe they'll send a gift out of some twisted sense of obligation. And even if they do show up, it's no burden on the bride and groom who don't even know half the people at their wedding anyway because their parents invite a bunch of old friends and lost family members. Regardless of who it is, and I know this from experience, you smile, hug, shake hands, and pretend like you know who they are anyway. It's part of the wedding routine. That's just how it goes.

But don't you think this is a great idea? I know it's too late for me or Alissa or Kilax to try, but how about Suze or Kazaa? You're both soon to be married, right? I think you should give this a try.

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): Katie received a catalog in the mail the other day from Urban Outfitters. I think it's the result of having purchased some T-shirts from them a couple years ago for her brothers. I'll be honest, the catalog actually has some pretty cool stuff in it like a replica of Linus' blanket and Chuck's sad little Christmas tree from Peanuts. But I'm afraid to order from it simply because I fear that, packaged within the shipping container will be a packet of suicide-inducing sorrow.

Holy crap, have you ever seen a more morose bunch of models in your life? You can even see some examples on their Web site if you click above. I think I saw one picture in the entire catalog in which one of the models even slightly upturns the corners of her lips.

I know people claim to possess "cans of whoop ass" they are willing to open on a moment's notice, but do you believe in the existence of "sachets of self despair" or "lockets of loathing"? If so, I'm sure Urban Outfitters carries it.

Smile, people!

Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin'...

Katie and I were watching the news the other day and they had a special about successful women in the workplace and how difficult their personal lives are as a result of their professional ones. It was so bad, in fact, that one of the five or six women that were part of this panel interview had actually started a Web site dedicated to successful women attempting to find meaningful relationships.

This floored me. I know that there are many men who are threatened by successful women. They look at it as though their manhood is being trampled.

But I had assumed that the tide had been changing for a while now so that, ideally, maybe it would be a 50/50 split between those guys who are threatened and those who are not. From the sound of things, though, it doesn't seem as though this is the truth. It sounded as though none of the women interviewed had been able to find men who could deal with what these women represented.

Now, clearly, five or six women is not a truly representative sample of the full population of women in the workplace. In fact, it's likely that the panel members were screened ahead of time to get a sampling that was skewed in favor of the viewpoint that the news channel was hoping to present.

But, even so, you have to figure that there is still some truth to it all. And I find this sad. I find it sad that men can't handle the concept of a woman having greater success than them.

Why is it such a sin for a woman to make more money?

Katie and I decided a long time ago that, when we have kids, the one of us that is making the least money with the fewest benefits or who has the greater chance at being able to work from home would stay at home. We're both fine with this decision even now. We talked about it after the news report and we're still find with this choice.

Have any of you made this same decision? How has it worked out? Or have you been in situations similar to these women? This can be answered by the men reading this post, too. Let me know how you would feel if you were in this position.

BTW, got a meme for you in the extended post...

Love will keep us together...

I started reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road the day before yesterday on my lunch breaks at work. By the end of yesterday I was 2/3 of the way through the book and beginning to formulate ideas for a review of the book for Fun With Dead Trees. That's when it struck me that I have four book reviews to write still.

Gah!! How did I get so behind??

And I'm about to have a fifth to add to the list. That's not right on so many levels. And, yet, I just don't want to write them. Still. Even after publicly embarrassing myself just now over my slackerdom.

To get over this hump and to give myself further excuse to not write these reviews, yet again, I'm going to throw a meme at you in the extended post.

Sing, sing a song...

After a night of sleep that left me wondering not only what day it was but also who and where I was this morning, I think it might be easier to try to lay off deep posts and just run with a meme idea I've had swirling in my head for some time. Oh, and if this has been done before, I apologize. I don't remember seeing one like this yet, so that'll have to be good enough for this morning.

Simply answer the questions below to the best of your ability

Musicology:

1. What is the first music album you remember owning? If not the same, what is the first music album you purchased for yourself?
2. What artist currently occupies the most space either in terms of shelf space or megabytes on your hard drive?
3. How many different types of music media (vinyl, cassette, CD, etc) have you owned in your lifetime?
4. Who or what has had the biggest effect on your music taste?
5. How do you currently prefer to listen to music?
6. In terms of music memorabilia, what is your most prized possession?
7. Have you ever "swapped headsets" with a complete stranger (meaning have you ever unplugged the earphones from your listening device and plugged them into someone else's player and had them do the same)? If yes, what did they play for you?
8. Have you ever been completely obsessed with a particular artist? Who and to what level did your fandom go?
9. What is the farthest you've ever traveled for a concert?
10. Who have you seen in concert the most?

My answers:

1. The first one I owned was either my special edition Michael Jackson album that included songs inspired by E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial or it could've been a Star Wars soundtrack album. The first one I purchased for myself was one of the following that were all purchased around the same time: Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet, Europe The Final Countdown, or Run D.M.C. Raising Hell on cassette. My first CD was actually The Black Crowes Shake Your Moneymaker.
2. Shelf space is clearly KISS (I own CDs, vinyl, and cassettes) with Pearl Jam in a close second. On my computer, it's a virtual tie between The Beatles, Foo Fighters, INXS, KISS, Led Zeppelin, and U2.
3. I have owned vinyl, cassettes, CDs, minidiscs, and digital formats. Although my parents also owned 8 Tracks that I listened to but never personally owned.
4. My biggest influence is probably my parents whose music I still listen to including The Beatles, Elvis, The Beach Boys, The Bee-Gees, Barry Manilow, Lionel Richie, and Kenny Rogers. But I also remember being at a Cub Scouts meeting when I was about 11 years old. Our meetings were held at a local high school and they used to post mini biographies of students on the wall of the cafeteria. In one of those bios, the student said he was a big fan of Bon Jovi, Europe, and Run D.M.C. I had to find out what they were all about (hence my answer to #1) and it's been downhill ever since.
5. iPod is the only way for me to listen to music. As Katie said the other day, my iPods go pretty much everywhere with me. CDs are used once to put the music on my computer so it can be transferred to my iPod (if I even buy CDs at all anymore).
6. I have a collection of concert-used guitar picks from artists like Jackyl, Van Halen, Buddy Guy, INXS, Pantera, etc. But my prized possession is a CD insert signed by all the guys in Jackyl. Not that it's particularly valuable in a monetary sense, but I obtained it at one of the last concerts I went to with my buddy, Mike, before he died. Great times.
7. I have, but only once. I think they played some Lemonheads for me. I've been addicted ever since.
8. While I've liked bands greatly, I've never been really obsessed. But my friend Mike (see #6) was completely obsessed with KISS and I shared in his obsession to some degree. We would drive around to various music memorabilia shops in Illinois and Iowa to pick up stuff to add to his collection. He was attempting to save the money to purchase a KISS pinball machine at the time he died. I still want to buy one to dedicate to him.
9. I drove with my buddies the whole length of I-55 from Chicago to Louisiana in 1997 to see U2 play at the Superdome in New Orleans. Great concert.
10. I have seen Van Halen, KISS, and Rocco DeLuca and the Burden three times each. Of course VH and KISS were spread out over several years, while the three Rocco shows spanned eight days only.

As always, steal if you're so inclined.

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): Bwahahahahahahaha!!

A question for you...

Okay, so I'm a bit late jumping on board Hilly's meme. Sue me!

No wait. Please don't do that. I'm not particularly well off in terms of money as it is and if you were to take the little bit I do have, I'd be really screwed. So, instead of suing me, just chastise me in the comments. Deal?

Phew! That was a close one.

Anyway, about a week ago, Hilly posted a series of questions about herself and we were to guess the answers. Several other bloggers have run with her idea in a far more timely manner than I and, now, finally, here I am throwing myself to the wolves. I'm going to put a little spin on it though. Each question will have a final option in which you all should feel free to put in your own answer for fun. Of course, you can always answer the questions seriously and still give a fill in just for kicks. This should be interesting... soliciting the opinions of the Peanut Gallery. Oh boy.

1. What's my favorite meal of the day?
a. Breakfast
b. Lunch
c. Dinner
d. [your twisted answer]

2. In real life, am I?
a. Painfully shy
b. A bit removed until I'm comfortable
c. The most talkative person in the room
d. [your twisted answer]

3. What is my biggest pet peeve?
a. People that dogear pages and break spines on books
b. Bad drivers
c. People who worship George Bush and Ann Coulter
d. [your twisted answer]

4. What is my preferred method of punishment for people that annoy me?
a. Castration with rusty pruning shears (or something equivalent for females)
b. Complete and total embarrassment via posting on my blog
c. Bitch smack with a morning star
d. [your twisted answer]

5. Of the major media forms out there, what could I not live without?
a. Movies
b. Television
c. Music
d. Books
e. [your twisted answer]

6. What is my favorite holiday?
a. Christmas
b. Halloween
c. Easter
d. Thanksgiving
e. Black Friday
f. Casimir Pulaski Day (you'd have to live in Illinois to understand this one)
g. [your twisted answer]

7. My perfect day?
a. All day surfing the Web
b. Sleeping
c. Just seeing where the day takes us
d. [your twisted answer]

8. My ideal vacation?
a. Sightseeing trip to Alaska
b. A month with no set plans in the U.K.
c. Wandering where I was nearly born... Australia
d. Just hiding away with a good book
e. Road trip to fill in the gaps of those U.S. state I haven't visited
f. Watching the Cubs play in the World Series
g. [your twisted answer]

9. What is Kevin not capable of doing?
a. Snapping his fingers
b. Winking
c. Whistling
d. Although it terrifies me... [your twisted answer]

10. What is Kevin's dream car?
a. Dodge Viper
b. Chevy Corvette
c. Ford Cobra
d. While Kevin may claim one of the above is correct, the truth is he knows nothing about cars
e. [your twisted answer]

Yay! Behind the times though I may be, I finally got my own version done. Not an easy task at all.

Back from the dead...

Maybe it's just me, but when I'm sick, as I still am this morning, I tend to try to imagine ways of making myself feel better. Aside from the obvious "get better, you idiot" which always seems to elude me, that is.

Sadly, the best way I've found of making myself feel better is by imagining those around me being in worse condition.

If I'm coughing to the point of getting headaches, I want to see someone else pass a lung.

If I'm going to sneeze and give myself a mild case of whiplash a la Sammy Sosa, I want someone else's head to roll off their neck.

Pleasant visuals such as those. I think you get the point.

The question is how to make this a viable reality. I know a bunch of you, my fellow bloggers out there, are pretty sick as well. Or so the comments on yesterday's post would indicate as would some of your own blog posts. So let's all play a little game to make ourselves feel better. I like to call this The Game of Infection! (tm)

Simply come up with the most creative way of infecting the greatest number of people around you as possible. Put them in the comments and we can all pick which one we like best.

...

Ohmigod, what the hell am I talking about?

Must be the medicine head, sorry.

For anyone working in the law enforcement or disease control fields, this is a joke, not a real challenge. Should any of these actually be enacted, it's not my fault. Really, it's not. I'm only sick in the sense of having an allergy-related cold; not mentally twisted.

Anyway, got some better stuff in the continuation in the form of a meme. Been a while, hasn't it?

There's bloodstains on my ax and I don't know where I've been...

Damn, I almost slipped and forgot my entry this week. This is the third in a series of posts suggested by readers in the second Kapgar Lyrical Challenge. Today's title suggested by Metalmom, who, after a few weeks of stalking many of us and us not having a means by which to stalk her back, finally opened a blog of her own a few months ago. And much cross-stalking ensued. Check her out!

I have a morbid fascination with the human body and how it works. I always have. It's a wonderful machine that God created in us and I've always wanted to understand the steps undertaken to perform basic tasks like how muscles move joints. Of course, when you're young, opportunities in which to explore this fascination are few. Biology class involved dissecting worms and pigs, not human beings. I always found this to be wholly disappointing.

So when the opportunity to explore the human machine arose, I often took it, even if it meant using myself as a lab rat.

One such opportunity presented itself in my junior high shop class. For whatever reason, our shop teacher had us glue a small piece of wood to a larger piece of wood. I'm sure he had his reasons although they elude me now. When the odd glue-based aspect to the project was done, we were to separate them and use chisels to remove the remainder glue from one of the boards that we were going to continue using for the project.

I got a little bored and, I suppose you could say, a bit lazy. When combined, these typically equate to "not paying attention to the task at hand." And that's when my chisel freed itself of its monotonous scraping task and sent itself flying through the air, powered by my right arm, into the webbing connecting my left thumb to my hand.

Unlike a lot of injuries where people don't realize they've hurt themselves until they pass out from blood loss, I knew right away that I had done something bad. I looked down at the gaping cut in my hand wondering what my next step should be.

Did I tell the teacher? Nahhhh. I sat there and played with it. For several minutes. I just kept pulling it open and examining the muscles of my thumb below the skin. Then I would make movements with my thumb and watch the muscles in action. I was fascinated. It didn't seem to matter to me that I was dripping blood, I was having way too much fun with my new anatomy kit to want to stop.

Finally a friend, who saw what I was doing, forced me to go tell the shop teacher. So I walked over to the teacher and said, rather off-handed, something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if this means I should see the nurse or not." Then I raised my hand and, with my other hand, made my wound talk to my teacher. I don't think he appreciated my attempt at humor and he practically yelled at me to go to the nurse.

I don't remember much after that. I don't remember being in the nurse's office. I'm not sure if I went to the hospital although I'm certain I must have gone. I don't even recall if I had stitches in my hand. Everything after that is a bit of a blur.

But I would like to know who got stuck mopping up my blood spill and cleaning the instrument of my fleshly destruction.

Ah well.

Hey, got a meme for you in the extended post.

When I was younger so much younger than today...

Do you remember when it was revealed that by inputting a certain formula in Microsoft Excel a flight simulator program would reveal itself? You could sit there using your computer to fly around on this cheap little program that ended when you found a giant 2001-ish monolith containing the names of all the Excel programming team?

It was stupid and pointless, but it was cool.

I always dug that because it made computer programming seem cool. These programmers could go out and put their stamp on the product they developed just to give a virtual wink to its users.

I love that. I enjoy when programmers have a little fun with their product and, thus, make it fun for the end users, too.

iSquint is one such program. It's a little tool I use to help convert digital video to iPod ready format. Very cool stuff even without their subtle little nudges. And, to be honest, I never really noticed all they had built into this thing until yesterday when I was trying to change the destination folder for my saves. So I started really playing around with it. And these are some of the cool things I found:

When you mouseover the iSquint logo in the UI, you get...

In the top right of the UI is the quality control slider. I love the max level...

There are a couple others in there that are pretty funny, but the best part happens when you click "Help" in the top menu...

Of course that song was stuck in my head all day yesterday and will likely be the case again today.

Hey, if you're interested, there's a meme in the extended post.

Throw it up...

A couple days ago, when I posted about my disc-golf induced injury, I received comments from Geeky Tai Tai and Nat asking what disc golf was. I promised them a post describing the game and that is exactly what I plan to do here.

Of course, not everyone is necessarily going to be interested in reading about disc golf. So, if you are not one of them, click on the link for the extended post to catch my response to a new meme floating around out there.

And off we go...

How best to word this... disc golf is pretty much just that, a game of golf using discs.

Many people would better recognize the game by the name "Frisbee Golf" or "Frolf" as it's referred to in the infamous "Summer of George" episode of Seinfeld. The only problem with this name is that Frisbee is a trademarked name owned by the Wham-O! company and, while they're renowned for making Frisbee Flying Discs, they have never -- until recently, apparently, according to their site -- made one of the types of discs preferred by disc golf enthusiasts.

Disc golf uses a type of disc made of much harder plastic than a standard Frisbee. They have a smaller diameter and a shorter height to them. The edges are also typically denser and sharper ended (bottom example, at right). These differences allow the disc to fly much farther and faster than a Frisbee. You can also do some pretty wicked aerobatics with them. The one thing you don't want to do is play catch with it. You will be in pain. Intense pain. (image courtesy of disclife.com)

Basically, you start with your disc and tee off from a tee box just like in golf. Sometimes these boxes are just dirt or gravel patches while, other times, they are a nicely defined box using wood planks to set them off from the rest of the terrain around them.

After teeing off, you continue throwing your disc until you make it in the cage which is basically an upright metal pole with about a six-inch deep, two-foot diameter basket at the bottom sitting about three feet off the ground and a foot-and-a-half diameter disc at the top. Loose chains connect the top to the basket and serve to catch and hold the disc when you throw it in.

The goal is to get the disc from the tee box to the cage in a certain number of shots, or "par." Most pars range from three to five shots. The par is determined by distance from tee box to cage as well as the overall difficulty of the hole. Pros may play all holes at just three shots regardless of distance because they are insane and like to challenge themselves. I am not a pro.

Once you get into the game a bit more, you can expand your collection of discs by buying more specialized ones. Just like in real golf where you have different clubs depending on distance and terrain, in disc golf you have discs for long-distance driving, short-distance approach, and putting. They even have some that will curve right or left or stay straight based on how they're shaped and how you throw.

It can be an intense game depending on who you are playing with. But it can also be a lot of fun and some good exercise as you're constantly moving and hiking around the course. I love the game and have taken Katie with me a few times. Most of the time, though, I get together with my dad and brother or some friends and play a round.

The best part is that most courses are free since they are owned and maintained by park districts. The only cost you'll incur is the onetime price of your disc, which can range from $8-25. The PDGA (Professional Disc Golf Association) Web site lists courses around the U.S. I'm not sure what sites exist for disc golfers outside the states, but I'm sure there are some.

Give it a try sometime. You might enjoy it.

No one said it would be easy...

My dearest Sheryl,

Since you first appeared on the scene back in my undergrad days of college, I've had a crush on you. Your penetrating eyes. The long, curly brown hair. Pouty lips. Soulful voice.

And I know I wasn't the only one. Half the guys on my floor had your album or a poster of you up on the wall. And I was fine sharing you with them.

Through the years, the love remained strong despite such relationship breakers as you losing weight, going glam, dying blonde, straightening the hair, and *GAH!* getting engaged to that bicycle guy. I was willing to forgive you these transgressions.

But this latest act of yours really has me wondering, am I man enough to be your man? Can I do what you asked on your blog? Can I really limit myself to one square of toilet paper per visit to the john?

I want to save the Earth as much as anybody does. Katie and I recycle as much as possible. We shop at Trader Joe's. We use (and then reuse) paper bags when available. All the new cars that we've been pricing for that day when one of us must buy a new one have been either high mileage or even hybrid, if at all possible. We turned the heat down a few degrees in the cold months and the air conditioner up a few degrees in the warm months, when it's too unbearable to open windows and use fans, that is. We've even started switching over to CFLs.

However, this latest call to action may be going a bit over the top, my dear.

Do you really not have any better suggestions? Something more significant? Something more realistic?

If not, and if you really stand by this statement, then, much like the tree I'm using to obtain my TP, our love is dead. I'm sorry, but you can kiss my lily-white, well-wiped butt.

Because, if you're only using one square of toilet paper, I'll be damned if I'm kissing yours.

Sincerely,

kapgar

P.S. I have a meme for you in the extended post. Probably not very environmentally friendly either. They require factories to create and, in two out of three cases, electric power to operate. Sorry.

I'll always love you, though, New York...

As much as I was trying to avoid taking part in this "interview" meme that's raging its way through the blogosphere, I still felt guilty about pussing out on Alissa's "I Believe" post. I guess that's why I agreed to let Hilly interview me.

I'm scared.

Here goes...

1.  Who is your favorite Superhero and why?

As tempted as I might be to try and quote Brodie Bruce from Mallrats, I shall refrain. I've kinda waffled on superheroes throughout my life.

As a child, I loved the Incredible Hulk. I blame the late Bill Bixby for this as he was a fantastic David Banner. Well, Lou Ferrigno was pretty cool as the Hulk, too. And I met him... in full Hulk makeup, BTW. I still dig on the Hulk because he's such a flawed and misunderstood superhero and, as odd as Ang Lee's film version was, I dug Eric Bana in the Banner role (although he was correctly named Bruce Banner).

For the longest time, I was also a big Spider-Man freak. Loved him. But, for whatever reason, he kinda fell out of favor with me. I don't dislike him; but he's just not a favorite anymore. Not exactly sure why.

Daredevil was a fave until the Great Ben Affleck Fiasco of '03. Or was it '02? Ah, who really cares? It was a fiasco, period.

Batman's pretty dang cool and I've always dug him.

But, I think my fave of the moment is Superman. I've liked him for some time now. I even have a Superman action figure that has been with me since college and has graced all the desks at all my jobs since grad school. That's so Seinfeld of me. So, yeah, Supes it is.

2.  If money were no object and you had tons of vacation time from work, where would you like to take Katie for a dream vacation?

A winery tour of Europe. Start in Italy and cruise through every vineyard we can find trying every varietal of wine we can get our grubby mits on. Then loop up through France. Bear in mind that cheese and chocolate are an important sidetrip on this one. Then, of course, we would loop back into Italy and buy ourselves a little house in Tuscany and just never leave. Because, like you said, money is no object. I'll just telecommute. ;-)

But how could it get any better? Cheese? Good. Chocolate? Good. Wine? Goooooooooooooodddd!

3.  You seem so calm and sweet.....do you ever lose your temper and yell or are you pretty even-keeled? If you don't now, have you ever had a temper?

For the most part, I think I'm pretty even keeled. But I do get easily frustrated by stupid people and poor cellular service and have been known, on rare occasion, to throw things in desperation. Plus I pulled an Andy Bernard on the drywall in my parents' garage many years ago. So, yes, it's been known to happen. I try my hardest to avoid it, but, every so often, the beast rears its ugly head, believe it or not. You don't see it in my blog posts (usually) because blogging calms me. It's my grounding force in those rare instances when my temper flares up so bad that my regular calming force, Katie, has run for cover. And I can't say I blame her, in all honesty.

4.  Right now, in this exact moment, what song is really making you groove?

I've had "Feelgood Inc" from the Gorillaz stuck in my head since I heard it as somebody's ringtone recently. I love that song and have yet to get sick of it. So I don't mind that it's jammed so deep in my head right now that my brain is pulsing the bass line.

However, I've got that switching out with the Pretenders' "Talk of the Town" and I have absolutely no idea why. Good song, though.

5.  If you could switch lives with one FEMALE blogger for a day, who would it be and why in the heck would it be that person? (cussing deleted for your NY Resolution)

I think you people are missing the point of my New Year's Resolution. I can't swear here... but that shouldn't stop you. In fact, I want you to swear!!!! Please!!! I need it!!

Anyway, I think I'd switch with Sandra. I've always wondered what it's like to live in the big, bad city and she's doing just that in NYC after having also lived in San Francisco and Chicago and Sydney. I admire her adaptability and willingness to take on a new challenge. I know she sometimes complains that it may seem like a lonely existence, but she handles it with such grace and poise that you cannot help wondering what it would be like to be her for a day... and consequently envying her for doing it on a daily basis.

---

Now it's your turn. Do you want to be interviewed by me? I know many of you have already taken part in this through other people's blogs, so there's no need to offer yourselves up as sacrificial lambs again. You only need to be raked across the coals once.

If you are interested, just follow the instructions below.

    1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me, big guy!"
    2. I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
    3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
    4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
    5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Good luck, Navigator.

Bringin' ev'ry girl and boy a basket full of Easter joy...

As per usual with most major holidays, Katie and I spent the weekend with two different families, Saturday night with mine and Sunday afternoon with her's.

No, this is not going to be a recap of all the events that went on at both celebrations. Actually, it's more of a decrying of a family tradition whose time has passed. Sadly, too.

The Easter Egg Hunt.

For years, we've been doing Easter Egg Hunts with Katie's family simply because there were young kids around that enjoyed being a part of such a vaunted event. Some of us adult-like people would hide the eggs in the yard and then let the younger ones go find them. They would then be treated to a bag full of chocolate and, perhaps, money.

However, I think it may be time to officially kill this tradition. At least until new "young-uns" are brought into the fold.

You see, currently, the youngest of the bunch is E, and he's 12 or 13 right now. At yesterday's celebration, not only was it a struggle to get some of us off our butts to go hide the eggs, but we also had to "wait until the end of the inning" of the Cubs-Brewers game and then pick E up by the collar of his shirt to make him go out and find them. Then, when we realized he was pretty much the only one taking part, all of us 20- and 30-somethings had to go out and search for the eggs as well just to make it look good.

And we were the ones that hid them in the first place.

So somebody tell me how wrong that is? Time to kill it, you think? Yeah, I do too.

But at least Katie and I found four bucks. That's my allowance for the week, baby!

Got a meme for you in the extended post, BTW...

Just one year of love...

I'm not really sure why this happened, but posting yesterday about the artificial spiking of my stats (get it? "artificial"... cheerleaders... breast implants... yeah, okay) made me get a little nostalgic. Well, I guess it was a little bit of that and the realization that I just recently passed my nine-year anniversary of the first time I started keeping an online journal (March 15, 1998) and I forgot about it to boot.

I've always liked how many other bloggers like Neil have the "on this date last year" feature on each of their posts. So, to wax nostalgic even further, I went back a year and started rereading some of my April 2006 entries.

I never realized what a milestone month it was. Briefly...

• I officially launched the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign (GBBMC) which was how I met many of you (Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Reveal) and I still thank you all for making that so successful and so much fun.
• I launched the blogified Fun With Dead Trees.
• I finally ditched the Evil Empire's feeble attempt at Webmail in favor of one offered by the New Regime.
• I realized blogging can make money but not in the way you might think... no adverts; just teach it! (I do have to thank Karl for helping develop the idea)
• I met one of my favorite authors, Christopher Moore. And, ironically enough, I'll be in attendance tonight for another signing with him!
• I wrote one of my personal favorite posts lamenting the dragging through the mud that my first name has received in Hollywood.

Okay, okay, I'll stop patting my own back. I'm developing a crick in my shoulder anyway. 

But it is amazing to go back and reread where you were one year ago. Have you bettered your place in life? Are you worse off? Or are you simply maintaining the status quo? How has your writing evolved? What kinds of things were you doing a year ago?

How is it possible that a whole year has gone by since all this happened?

Hmmm... I'm thinking I may have devolved a bit in terms of writing ability. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

And I just realized I have only seven or eight weeks left until my brother's wedding. Where'd that come from? I guess I'd better start writing that Best Man speech. Anybody got any good ideas I can steal? Please?

Oh yeah, got a meme for you in the extended post...

They've given you a number and taken away your name...

Have you ever looked at yourself in the context of where you work and what you do for them and wondered if there was an ulterior motive behind your hiring? A more nefarious purpose for you at your place of employment?

Do you mean like that little catch-all tagline on your employment contract that reads "and other duties as assigned"?

No, no. I'm talking much darker. Far outside the scope of what would normally be considered a reasonable job expectation.

Like when Jim Carrey was promoted to serve as a scapegoat for his tech company in Fun With Dick and Jane?

Closer. But still much more evil.

Oh, do tell.

I shall.

I'm a Web designer and my willingness to adapt and learn other skills has resulted in me doing some graphic design work as well as writing, proofreading, and photography on the job. But I wonder, sometimes, if maybe my current job has really hired me to be a payrolled assassin.

What?!?! Have you lost it, dude?

Perhaps. After all, I am holding up two ends of a shared conversation within a single post.

Good point. So what evidence do you have to support this theory?

Well, only one bit of evidence so far. But it may just be enough.

Okay, give it to me, big guy.

Here you go. It's my ID badge. Well, more specifically, the cable winder that attaches the ID badge to my belt loop. This thing is a weapon. I don't know if it's a purposeful or an unintentional weapon, but I've seen enough spy and assassin films to know just what kind of damage this sort of thing can do.

If I pull on the badge, a thin, 2.5-foot-long string is exposed.

I always thought that the purpose behind this is so you don't have to detach your ID badge to scan it or show it to security.

Uh huh. That's what they want you to believe.

This should be good.

I think this device exists for the sole purpose of strangling an enemy at a time to be determined later by one of my higher ups.

Please stop it now. This really hurts.

Wait, just hear me out. It's kinda like The Manchurian Candidate... I could just be sitting there typing away and then a message will be received subconsciously by my brain which will trigger the killer instinct that has clearly been programmed in me by our HR department during those "sensitivity training sessions."

Yeah, some good that "brain" has done you to this point.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing. Don't mind me. You haven't thus far.

Anyway, they want you to believe that it's nothing more than a convenience item... make life easier... riiiiiight. They also want me to believe I'm just a Web designer, but I've uncovered the truth! I have seen the light! And it has an eerie blood-red glow to it.

Sorry, buddy, I'm outta here. I just can't take this.

Wait, you're supposed to be my moral compass!

Pal, you're beyond my help now.

---

Hey, got a meme for you in the extended post...

They number six to make them feel like men...

Dagny's gonna get it.

Yeah, she tagged me on a meme in which we are to describe six strange facts about ourselves and then tag six other people. However, when you tag those six others, you must let them know in the comments of their own blog that they've been tagged.

We all know I'm not much a fan of tagging, but I'll do it. Just for Dagny. And shortly thereafter, I will submit her e-mail address to spam sites the world over. Muahahahahahahahahahaha. No really. I will. You don't believe I could be that cruel? Sorry, I roll like that. Heh.

Well, let's see what I can come up with. Please bear in mind that it is entirely possible that I have blogged about some of these in the past. If I did and can find the post, I've linked to it. Otherwise...

1. I am physically incapable of winking. You know how people can shut one eye and keep the other open? Yeah, not me. In fact, anything that requires a separation of muscles in my forehead region I cannot do. Raise an eyebrow? Nope. I don't know why I can't. I've tried training myself. Just does not want to work. Katie laughs at me when I try.

2. If there was any one thing I wish I knew how to do, it is skateboarding. I've always been in awe of the old school skaters like Per Welinder and Steve Caballero. I loved watching them. But I only tried it once. I quickly learned that I lacked the hand-eye coordination, lowered center of gravity, and death wish necessary to be a good skater.

3. I began writing short computer programs back in the very early 80s on my parents' TI-99/4A computer. Mostly games and other meaningless applets. This was back in the day when there was so little on-board memory I had to save my programs to a magnetic tape drive. It was around this time I idolized Matthew Broderick in Wargames. I still wonder what would have happened had I stuck with it. Alas...

4. I took all kinds of art classes in junior high and high school including drawing, painting, ceramics, and jewelry making. I never took any of it seriously, though, and had no desire to pursue it much past school even though I did interview for acceptance to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. I guess the fact that my teacher stole one of my necklaces should have been an indication that I was at least semi-decent at it. I still miss that necklace. And as much as I enjoy sketching, I've only really drawn one freehand picture in the last couple of years. It's a view of Riverwalk in downtown Naperville. It's not done yet, either. Some dedication, eh?

5. I have a collection of all my rejection letters from companies when I was first applying for jobs out of college. I actually bound them in a hardcover book and wrote comments about the applications, meetings, interviews, etc. all over them. I remember that some were pretty hilarious. I need to find that book and reread them.

6. I suppose in some way, shape, form, or another, I've been setting myself up to be a writer all my life. It was one of the things that I was always good at and enjoyed doing. Of course, back in high school, I never would have admitted it. To admit that writing research papers is actually enjoyable is like asking for death. You have to stand strong with your classmates and gripe and whine whenever they were assigned. But I secretly liked it. And I also enjoy writing some funky poetry as many of you already know from a few of the gems I've posted here. This ability comes in handy when writing best man speeches for weddings. Really, it does. I shall prove it again this summer.

Now for the tags... I think I will hit up BA, Diane, Elaine, Johnny (that should make for a good read), Jacquie, and Kim. Enjoy.

Say a little prayer for you...

How about some snippets...

Four truths, one lie, and a pizza place
A big congrats to Rick who caught on to my clever hidden clue. "Bookended," get it? Meaning it was one of the three in the middle.

One by one for y'all:

1. Yes, I am prone to workshop injuries. In fact, I blogged about one some time ago that I didn't mention in this challenge.

2. I am, indeed, a third-degree brown belt in Kenpo. And it was during my training that I met Billy Blanks (he of Tae-Bo fame) who is a tenth-degree black belt in Kenpo. He visited our dojo well before he developed Tae-Bo and I have a signed T-shirt from him.

3. I did play water polo during my freshman year of high school. I'm not happy about it. I did not enjoy it. Not one bit. It was the next year when I started playing football.

5. I also won my first cash poker game. And I blogged it a couple years ago as well.

The falsehood was in my football career. I was no running back. Never. I hate running. I was an offensive guard my sophomore year, an offensive tackle my junior year, and a defensive tackle my senior year (the more "inert" positions as I referred to them). All line, all the time, baby!

Interesting job title
I ran into someone last night whose official job title was Pastor of Business Administration. I realize that churches are being run like small businesses these days, but this is a bit ridiculous. What do his duties entail? Praying for a balanced budget? Condemning subpar donors to the seventh ring of Hades?

It's outta this world!
A love triangle involving two NASA astronauts, a wig, a trenchcoat, pepper spray, and an adult diaper??? I can't wait for the made-for-TV movie!! Kinda reaffirms the whole "truth is stranger than fiction" theory, doesn't it? Not in a million years could those script monkeys in Hollywood come up with a story this good.

Pizza
If you ever get to the Chicago area and are looking for a good pizza, try a thin crust spinach pizza from Lou Malnati's. Fantastic pizza. Great flavor. Crisp crust. Just awesome. Katie and I are hooked.

So you tell me 'trust me'...

So the ever-crushable Hilly's most recent challenge is to tell four truths and one lie about ourselves.

I wasn't sure I really wanted to do this one. Is it truly possible for me to lie about myself? I mean, why lie when there are just oh-so-many fantabulous truths I could tell that would make all of you just swoon (even the guys).

Then I read diane's contribution to the effort and figured, "oh what the heck."

So here I am telling five tales. And you, my astute readers, must cleverly disseminate between fact and fiction. Are you up to the task?

Here we go...

1. I am prone to workshop injuries.
This includes nearly chopping off the final metatarsel of my right thumb on a band saw and watching as a chisel slid like a warm knife in butter through the skin at the base of my left thumb. On that last one, I was so unaffected, I walked up to my shop teacher and asked if I could go see the nurse. He asked why. I showed him the wound while making it open and close like a mouth talking. You could see the muscle inside my flesh and it was gushing blood the whole time. I don't think he appreciated my sense of humor.

2. I am a third-degree brown belt in Kenpo.
This is a form of karate that translates to "open hand." I was only about a year and a half away from earning my black belt. But we moved to Illinois and Kenpo was not taught in any of the local dojos, so I gave up. I started taking karate because I was constantly in fights in school and needed help learning to defend myself. My brother was taking classes with me but quit after he got his orange belt. My lead sensei was the uncle of Tia Carrere (Wayne's World and True Lies). Of course, no one knew who she was back then.

3. I played water polo.
... and hated every minute of it. From the stupid Speedo swim"suits" to the God-awful headgear to the treading water for hours on end. I did everything I could to just make it through the season and get it over and done with. During practices, the coaches rarely watched us doing our warm-up laps. So I stole the weighted rubber bricks from the storage closet and perfected my underwater diving and lung control skills collecting them off the bottom of the deep end. Perhaps I should've been a pearldiver. After one season in high school, I never played water polo again.

4. Despite my current overweight status, I was a running back in high school.
No, not a starter. Heck, not even the immediate backup to the starter. I was what amounted to a third-string running back at the varsity level, but first string on the JV squad... when I was healthy. However, I was not too motivated to do well in football. I knew there was no way in the name of all that was holy I would ever be first string considering our starters were All-State athletes, so I just coasted by knowing I'd get to play in the JV game. But I still scored my fair share of touchdowns. To this day, I wish that I had played a more "inert" position simply because I injured myself far too much. Both of my ankles and one of my knees is shot. I can't wait until the day arthritis sets in. Yay.

5. I was a winner in my first Texas Hold 'Em tournament.
The first time I ever played in an unofficial, semi-organized Texas Hold 'Em ("poker" for you non-players) tournament, I won it. I believe there were seven or eight of us at the table and I just sat back and started playing. I kept a low profile for much of the game, but played safely enough to remain in it. I took out the last two players in back-to-back hands and walked away with $100. I haven't played in a money tournament since that day.

So which is it? It's really not that tough. Lying comes easy to me so long as I'm not bookending it with the truth. So this exercise was rather difficult.

We can start a company and make misery...

My sinuses won't drain.

Therefore, my nose is plugged up.

Therefore, I can't properly breathe.

Therefore, my voice is rather raspy and a bit higher pitched than normal.

Yet, somehow, I manage to find a positive amidst all this feeling-bad crap... I can sing Soul Asylum songs and sound exactly like Dave Pirner!

The silver lining on this grey cloud just gets brighter and brighter, doesn't it?

Oh, and I know this meme is like a week old, but I've got one for you in the extended post.