I really don't want to sound like this post is meant to degrade or take anything away from the great state of Idaho. I've never been there before so who am I to pass judgment, right? I wouldn't mind visiting sometime, to be honest.
Okay, pleasantries and apologies aside...
I read on Snopes today that the Idaho Legislature passed a resolution commending filmmakers Jared and Jarusha Hess for the many ways in which their film Napoleon Dynamite portrays the positives of life in Idaho.
I have seen Napoleon Dynamite and, while I would agree that it doesn't make fun of Idaho, per se, I never really perceived the film as complimentary of life in the state either.
I would just like to take a moment to make mention of some of what I perceived to be the funnier points of this resolution...
WHEREAS, the Preston High School administration and staff, particularly the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention;
WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics;
Ummm, is that really something to be proud of?
WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air quality and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transportation;
Yeah, but wouldn't insurance premiums rise a bit considering Napoleon's penchant for "sweet jumps"?
WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and glamour shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns;
Isn't this what freelance web and graphic design are for? Damn, and I thought I stood a chance in the world...
WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of physical education in Idaho public schools;
Oh, those poor children have no hope whatsoever, do they?
WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"
Yeah, you'd have to be a Freakin' Idiot to vote against this. The negative press would kill any chance of a re-election.
I am now awaiting the e-mail that will inform me of the nation's first instance of a restraining order taken out by an entire state against a solitary individual. I'm sure it will read something like...
Dear Kevin "Freakin' Idiot" Apgar,
While we appreciate your initial attempts at "smoothing things over," per se, at the beginning of your blog post dated November 28, 2005, found at http://kapgar.typepad.com, we must take this opportunity to inform you that you are not welcome in the State of Idaho, nor will you ever be.
We take our state very seriously and do not appreciate your attempts at humor.
Should you ever come within 500 feet of our state's borders, all law enforcement officials and duly deputized citizens have been instructed to beat you with nunchakus and/or shoot you on sight, whichever proves most convenient in the given situation. Should you, somehow, make it through this first line of defense, a pack of rogue llamas have been trained to detect your particular "odor" and will spit you into submission at which time you will be apprehended, tied to a pole, and shown the true power of our fully armed and operational Youth Tetherball League.
Representative Larry Bradford
House of Representatives
State of Idaho
P.S. You are no longer welcome to dine on tater tots, either.
I'm hosed. My current Dave-o-Sketch reading seems to agree...