kapgar

Do you see what I see...

At work yesterday, the graphic designer (GD) and I were checking out a photo collage. We were trying to figure out who from a particular group was missing and if we had any photos in our archives we could use to fill in the blanks.

We found one photo for a guy that piqued our curiosity.

GD: Gah! Kevin, you have to come check this out.

Me: What?

GD: It looks like there is another person in this photo with him.

Me: Oh cool! Yeah, there's his eye and his nose.

GD: That's just creepy.

Me: I'm going to darken it and increase the contrast in Photoshop to see if that makes it any clearer.

By the time I finish, another coworker has joined our examination of the photo. I'll call him B&B.

B&B: That's pretty sweet. I wonder if he's being haunted? Maybe we should send the photo to CSI.

Me: I think Cold Case might be a better fit.

GD: Look at that spot on the ghost's head. Bullet wound?

Me: Totally.

B&B: Suicide.

Me: Nah, not fun enough.

GD: And there's even a mottled spot on the main guy's collar that you can see if you look closely.

Me: I think that's a blood stain from when he murdered this other guy by shooting him in the head and then tried to wash it out.

B&B: Oooh a duel!

Me: Yeah, like Hamilton and Burr. He's a rival or something. So he snuffed him out.

B&B: We need a third person in this story line.

Me: His wife. The ghost guy was sleeping with the main guy's wife so he murdered him in a vengeful fury. Assassination all the way!

GD: And now he's haunted by his spirit forever. I wonder if any other photos of him have this ghost behind him.

Me: Damn I wish we had more photos to look at. This is so cool.

B&B: You two have way too overactive an imagination. You're actually enjoying this.

Me: Yeah, this coming from you. You're having just as much fun as we are. So can you blame us?

B&B: No, not really.

To the family of the guy in the photo... this is just us having fun. No, we do not really think your ancestor murdered someone or that his wife was screwing around on him or that he was haunted by a spirit.

Unless you have evidence to the contrary, of course.

I can cheat you blind...

A little more than two months ago, new hand sanitizer dispensers were installed in each and every office at work.

The dispensers resemble spheres that are approximately seven inches in diameter (I think). The bottom half is opaque plastic while the top half is transparent plastic. Inside the sphere is a transparent plastic pouch in which the sanitizer is held. Basically, you just put your hands under the dispenser and it automatically outputs a predetermined amount of sanitizer.

At first, people were pretty weirded out by them.

For one, they tend to drip a little on the floor underneath where they're installed. The fear was that this could either result in slick spots on smooth floors or discolored carpeting.

Then, of course, there was the fact that the pouches in the sphere look like a saline breast implant. Yeah, I've watched Nip/Tuck, I know what they look like. However, people were even able to get over that.

Now, people have adapted to them. Some have even gone so far as to give them some personality by customizing them. They do this by popping off the upper dome and taping images inside them as though it were some twisted little picture frame.

At first, I thought it was pretty stupid. People were doing some odd, and incredibly unfunny, things to them.

Then I heard from someone in one department that they had put in a picture of the northern hemisphere of Earth. When I heard this, I became inspired. I had to compete and come up with something cooler.

But, being me, it had to have a little touch of, well, "me." This, of course, translates to "creepy" or otherwise "odd." Hence why I came up with...

I can't wait to hear my coworkers' responses.

I'm on my way, I'm makin' it...

And what to make of something that happened to me yesterday at work.

I was just about to leave with my coworker for my final meeting of the day. I heard her saying hi to someone in the lobby of our office so I knew I had a few extra seconds to finish getting stuff together.

When I stepped out of my office into the lobby, the visitor looks at me and says, "and you're Kevin Apgar."

Me: Umm... yeah.

John Doe (J.D.): I'm John Doe. I'm a reporter for XYZ Newspaper.

Me: Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

[I'm still wondering how he knew who I was. It wasn't as though my job made some grand media announcement of my arrival.]

J.D.: And I read your blog.

My Co-Worker (MyCW): You have a blog?

Me: It was in my resumé.

MyCW: Like I read every site that was in your resumé.

Me: Okay, I'll grant you that.

J.D.: He's a really good writer. Very funny and never snide. If I had a bigger budget, I'd hire him as a full-time blogger for the paper.

[cha-ching goes the mental cash register]

Me: No complaints.

[a few more back-and-forth comments for another minute or so that I can't quite recall]

J.D.: Well, hey, it was nice to meet you.

Me: Nice to meet you, too. [to MyCW as we're walking away] That was different.

MyCW: He's a really nice guy.

J.D.: [calling after us] By the way, say hi to Katie!

Me: Will do!

MyCW: [to me] Woah.

Me: Yep. He's a reader.

That's something that I, even in my wildest dreams, never imagined would happen. My first random fan off the streets! Woo hoo!

[Disclaimer: this isn't a word-for-word transcription of the conversation. I just stated the key parts as well as I could remember them. It's been half a day and it's really early right now... cut me some slack.]

I ain't missin' not a single thing...

Either I'm the world's most prepared worker bee or I'm on the verge of a professional meltdown.

Yesterday, I wore the infamous green shirt and tie combo to work (yes, I realize you ladies dig it and I am only too happy to oblige you). Afer a while, I decided to shed the tie so I took it off, folded it, and went to put it in my bag.

When I opened my bag, I found two other ties folded and neatly placed in a side pocket. Combine this with the one or two ties I found in my truck and it makes you start to wonder if I'm preparing for a professional man's apocalypse. Or perhaps I'm a pupil in the P. Diddy Appearance Management Institute?

Whatever the case may be, I do know I'd damn well better remember to unload my bag before I wind up toting around a veritable wardrobe.

Bear in mind that I've only been at this new job for just under a month now.

My God, how long until I'm keeping changes of clothes in my office? Gah!

'Cause I'm easy...

I’m a marketing genius!

A bold claim, I know. But allow me to justify this statement.

For the last couple days at work, I’ve been fiddling as a free moment arises with a piece of software I found in my computer’s program menu. It’s a little doozy called Adobe LiveCycle Designer (or Adobe Designer, for short) and is intended to assist in the process of creating interactive PDF forms using XML as a base.

Since I have a few forms I needed to develop and had been curious about how best to create an interactive PDF, I decided to give it a whirl.

And whirl I did… my head, that is.

After two days of intermittent messing around with Designer, I finally got one of these forms done. My eyes are bleeding, my head is throbbing, and my right hand is spasming from all the subtle nudges and shifts I made to the layout.

This experience has led me to coin what I feel should be the company’s new slogan…

No one mourns the wicked...

Have you ever had your IT department “commandeer” your computer? For many, this may not be that big a deal. But for me, it was the strangest, most surreal thing I’ve experienced in my years of working with computers. And it’s something that has never happened to me before… until yesterday.

Someone from my IT department called me on the phone saying they needed to use my computer to show someone else how to do something. I asked if they would be coming up here. She kind of giggled and said no, that she would do it from her computer.

All of a sudden, my desktop wallpaper changed to the Windows default and a cursor that was certainly not mine started opening files and windows and programs and doing all kinds of other cool little things and I was just sitting back like a kid on a roller coaster.

When all was said and done, I simply said “wicked” in the phone to her. She thanked me and we hung up.

A few minutes later, she called me back.

IT Woman: Are you from New England?

Me: I lived there for a couple years. How’d you know?

IT Woman: You said “wicked.”

Me: That’s a New England thing?

IT Woman: Up there, it’s “wicked” this and “wicked” that. Where’d you live?

Me: Bristol, Connecticut.

IT Woman: Yep, makes sense.

Not only can she seemingly possess my computer, but she can tell where I lived based on a single-word utterance.

I shall never question the abilities of IT people. Ever.

It's been one week...

Okay, maybe not a full week, per se. But it's the end of what constitutes my first calendar week at my new job and I'd like to share a little of what I've learned.

• When starting a first week, never take a lunch of your own. You will likely be going out to meals with your new co-workers.
• If you have a comfortable shirt with a well-sized neck, ties are quite comfortable. I'm digging them.
• When they say "Casual Fridays," you can probably take them at their word. If I had, I would've worn jeans and a polo on Friday instead of swapping my tie for a sweater and thinking that was "casual." Jeans at work... oh, how I've missed thee.
• Getting accustomed to a file structure set up by someone else is not easy. I'm still swimming trying to find things.
• Have a load of alcohol wipes around to give an initial clean up to keyboards, mice, phones, desk, etc. You'll thank me later. And, no, I'm not a germaphobe.
• Don't be afraid to ask questions.
• Don't expect to remember names or faces of all those 100+ people you are introduced to on the first day. Your head will explode if you even try.
• But do take time to talk to those who work in your office and the offices immediately surrounding yours. You'll be working with or, at least, seeing them every day. Get in good early.
• Water cooler talk is cool. Well, it's actually coffee talk for us. No water cooler, but lots of coffee pots.
• When you're a Cub fan working in an office of White Sox fans, it's best to just shut up. If asked, say you're a Bears fan. You can never go wrong as a Bears fan.

Clean shirt, new shoes

First day on the new job. Some say I clean up well. What do you think? Am I bringin' sexy back or what?

We're a happy family...

I'm not sure how many of you remember my work buddy, G. Well, he sent me this e-mail on my final day of work here at AU...

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point in the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

Today, my best friends slapped me in the face.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.

The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

Today, my best friend saved my life.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?"

The other friend replied, "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

I was actually touched and feeling a slight tinge of emotion. Until, that is, I read the next couple sentences that he wrote...

And after I write your name on a stone, I shall throw it at your head for leaving AU. :) You will be missed, but I am still going to bug your ass by writing you at your personal email!!! See you later...

G

Smart ass.

But I'll miss ya, G.

And I'll miss a bunch of other people as well.

This is really happening, isn't it?

A whole lotta shakin' goin' on...

Something I have found entirely amusing this week is how a person spends his or her last few days on the job. Being that this is the first real job I have "left" since graduating, this is all a new experience for me.

I had anticipated just cranking out project after project for people to make sure it's all done before I leave. I figured there was no way in hell I would see the outside of my office or get my butt off my chair.

Instead how is it being spent?

Well, yes, I am working on a bunch of projects, but not nearly as many as I had figured. Plus I've been picking up and dropping off a golf cart for use by a professional photographer on campus this week. I've been supervising a few of his shoots. I've gone out to lunch with a friend (we'd been trying to plan a lunch for two years now; my leaving kinda forced the issue a bit). I'm constantly stopping to talk with coworkers across campus. I've had meetings with HR. I've abused the golf cart privelege to go pick up a pregnant coworker at her car a couple times so she doesn't have to walk. I think the few of us that are in the office today may even be going to buy Oberweis ice cream or milkshakes later today.

Weird, unexpected stuff like that.

It's been a strange, yet wonderfully diverse, week here at work.