I read one of the most reassuring headlines of the day today when I clicked on the news section of the Internet Movie Database (IMDb).
Hilton Plans to Quit Public Life in Two Years
Are you kidding me? Did Christmas come early this year? Yes, they are talking about Paris Hilton. Here is the text of the blurb...
Newly-engaged socialite Paris Hilton is planning to give up public life for family life in just two years time. The 24-year-old hotel heiress-turned-reality TV star insists she'll be ready to truly settle down and be a good wife to Greek fiance Paris Latsis and their children when she turns 26. She tells Newsweek magazine, "I thought it was cute to play a dumb blonde. On TV, I do it because it's funny. I consider myself a businesswoman and a brand. I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this.'"
I thought maybe this was some cruel joke. It's not April 1st, right? Then I saw it listed in the entertainment links on Yahoo. Oh, happy day!
To be honest with you, I won't believe it until I see it, and, even then, I still think she'll be so starved for attention and "affection" that she'll come back very shortly thereafter. I just don't see her doing the domestic goddess thing. Seriously, can you imagine her as a mom? She's too self absorbed to worry herself over anyone else. Anybody remember Demi Moore when she declared she would give up life in Hollywood and retire a few years ago? That sure held up, didn't it?
However, I would like to make a deal with Ms. Hilton... should she stay gone and out of the spotlight completely for five years, I will make an apology to her on this blog. Not a big deal to her, I'm sure. But I will do it.
I do have one caveat, though. I want her to take several people with her. More people that just need to be permanently removed from the public eye once and for all. They are:
- Michael Jackson - Need I say more?
- Lindsay Lohan - I once liked her and I will always cherish her version of The Parent Trap, but enough is enough.
- Britney Spears - No talent, spotlight clinging, white trash whore. And I once thought she was gorgeous. Those were the days, eh?
- Kevin Federline - The man of unproven talent aside from his indisputable parasitic abilities. Check that. To be a parasite means that you must be feeding off a source of that which you need to survive; in this case, talent. And we all know Britney lacks that in spades.
- Russell Crowe - When it pertains to spontaneous acts of random violence outside of movie roles.
- Madonna - Oh, go ahead and take all practitioners of Kabbalah and Scientology with you while you're at it.
- Martha Stewart - Just leave. Please.
- Scott Peterson - And if you can arrange to have Russell Crowe carry out a random act of violence that results in his death, all the better.
- Jennifer Lopez - I know she hasn't really been in the spotlight as much anymore, but I'm still sick of her.
- Howard Dean - Aside from his innovative use of the Web to bring together voters, this man means nothing to me and he is only hurting the Democratic Party. I'm not a Democrat (nor am I a Republican for that matter), but I don't believe that the Republicans should just be handed such an easy target. And he's the head of the DNC to boot. That's just terrible. At this rate, the Republicans could nominate Paul Reubens as their Presidential candidate with the catch phrase "Hey! He's not Dean!" and probably take three quarters of the vote right off the bat.
If Tom Cruise isn't careful, he will wind up on this list pretty damn quick. Oh wait, he already is! Bye bye, Scientology boy.
I don't think this is asking too much, is it? Heck, if you can make all of them disappear forever, I will commute your sentence to the point where you can come back in, say, two to three years (with good behavior; if that's possible on your part) and I won't even bat an eyelash about it.
Sadly, I'm not even close to the first nor will I be the last who includes many of these people in their list of overexposed human beings. I've read it on many blogs and I'm sure they will continue to pop up as they garner even greater media exposure.
And to the rest of you out there reading this post, please feel free to let me know, via the comments link below, who I have missed that should be included on this list. I'm open to amending the proposal to Paris.