I'm just a soul whose intentions are good...
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood...

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I'm a man.

I have all the necessary anatomical requirements to be a man.

I've lived my life knowing, or at least being led to believe I'm a man.

That being said, Web sites such as myheritage.com make me start to wonder.

MyHeritage offers an online facial recognition package to which you upload a headshot of yourself and it will scan a list of celebrities in its database to determine who your features most represent.

The results of my scan were disturbing to say the least.

And I have Jacynth to blame for ruining my life.

I uploaded the following photo of myself to the database.  No, not the best photo, admittedly.  I am goatee-less and, well, it's just not good.  But they wanted a hi-res shot, preferably face on and this is the best one I had on me that doesn't have me and Katie really close together and, thus, screw up the scanning algorithm that seemingly cannot distinguish between two faces.


And here is the list of celebrities the site spit back at me...


First, do note the unhealthily weighted female to male ratio here.  Only two guys?  C'mon!  Now, the individual analysis...

Eva Longoria - you're kidding me, right?  Umm... how?

Jesse Metcalfe - well, there are worse-looking guys out there I could bear resemblance to, I suppose.

Katie Holmes - is this pre- or post-discovery of Tom Cruise and Scientology?

Kathleen Turner - considering that this site is making me question my gender idenification, I guess it's appropriate that they pick the actress who portrayed Chandler Bing's transvestite dad, eh?

Neve Campbell - could they pick a worse photo?

Mischa Barton - again, you're kidding me, right?  Although the anorexic-level weight loss might be nice.

Ashlee Simpson - could've been Jessica.  That's all I'm saying. Take it for what you will.

Michelle Rodriguez - the girl could beat my ass into a bloody pulp and you're gonna insult her by saying she and I somehow look alike?!?!  I'm suing MyHeritage for reckless endangerment!

Rachel Weisz - why do they have to pick the ones I think are cute and thus ruin my mental image of them?  Now, any time I watch The Mummy, I'm going to see my head on her body.  What a crying shame.

Cliff Richard - one of only two guys in my results and I have no flippin' clue who he is.

Oh, and I chose this line from Lionel Richie's "Hello" because, if you recall, the video featured a blind woman sculpting a bust of Lionel's head just from feeling his face.  And, the only way I can explain the facial comparisons that MyHeritage came back with is that their site is run by a bunch of blind... well, something or others.

Yes, I'd like one gender identity crisis with a side of french fries, to go, please.