Hello, is it me you're looking for?
I'm a man.
I have all the necessary anatomical requirements to be a man.
I've lived my life knowing, or at least being led to believe I'm a man.
That being said, Web sites such as myheritage.com make me start to wonder.
MyHeritage offers an online facial recognition package to which you upload a headshot of yourself and it will scan a list of celebrities in its database to determine who your features most represent.
The results of my scan were disturbing to say the least.
And I have Jacynth to blame for ruining my life.
I uploaded the following photo of myself to the database. No, not the best photo, admittedly. I am goatee-less and, well, it's just not good. But they wanted a hi-res shot, preferably face on and this is the best
one I had on me that doesn't have me and Katie really close together
and, thus, screw up the scanning algorithm that seemingly cannot
distinguish between two faces.
And here is the list of celebrities the site spit back at me...
First, do note the unhealthily weighted female to male ratio here. Only two guys? C'mon! Now, the individual analysis...
Eva Longoria - you're kidding me, right? Umm... how?
Jesse Metcalfe - well, there are worse-looking guys out there I could bear resemblance to, I suppose.
Katie Holmes - is this pre- or post-discovery of Tom Cruise and Scientology?
Kathleen Turner - considering that this site is making me question my gender idenification, I guess it's appropriate that they pick the actress who portrayed Chandler Bing's transvestite dad, eh?
Neve Campbell - could they pick a worse photo?
Mischa Barton - again, you're kidding me, right? Although the anorexic-level weight loss might be nice.
Ashlee Simpson - could've been Jessica. That's all I'm saying. Take it for what you will.
Michelle Rodriguez - the girl could beat my ass into a bloody pulp and you're gonna insult her by saying she and I somehow look alike?!?! I'm suing MyHeritage for reckless endangerment!
Rachel Weisz - why do they have to pick the ones I think are cute and thus ruin my mental image of them? Now, any time I watch The Mummy, I'm going to see my head on her body. What a crying shame.
Cliff Richard - one of only two guys in my results and I have no flippin' clue who he is.
Oh, and I chose this line from Lionel Richie's "Hello" because, if you recall, the video featured a blind woman sculpting a bust of Lionel's head just from feeling his face. And, the only way I can explain the facial comparisons that MyHeritage came back with is that their site is run by a bunch of blind... well, something or others.
Yes, I'd like one gender identity crisis with a side of french fries, to go, please.
I've got to try that! Eva Longoria and Ashlee Simpson, huh? You're right though, it coulda been Jessica. I'm actually not sure whether I mean that as a compliment or insult! Anyways, I like the blog.
Posted by: Elaine | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 02:27 PM
oh my gosh! i'm pissing my pants right now. I'm wondering if it has to do with the kind of smile you have in the picture? Love the title. Maybe the blind woman can come and create a massive bust of your head that you can look at every day to reaffirm your male-ness.
Posted by: Jacynth | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 03:48 PM
That's SIR Cliff Richard to you!!
He's the guy who did the duet with Olivia Newton-John on "Suddenly" from the Xanadu soundtrack.
Posted by: Dave2 | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 05:44 PM
I got all women, so I'm happy about that: Brittany Murphy, Tia Carrere (who?), Sally Field (in her younger days, I hope), Janica Kostelic (who?), Monica Lewinsky (I laughed so hard), Tara Reid (except without the tan, I guess), Eva Longoria (hey, we're twins!), Demi Moore, Evangeline Lilly (who?), and Pamela Anderson.
Posted by: Rabbit | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 06:35 PM
Elaine, let us know how it turns out. I'd love to see how something like this turns out for Johnny. Chris Elliott better figure in there somewhere.
Yeah, that's why I left the Jessica Simpson one open for interpretation. It could really go either way on her.
Jacynth, I feel so proud knowing I made your pants wet. With my head the size that it is, a massive bust it would definitely be. Katie wholeheartedly fears the possibility that our kids will inherit my head size.
Dave, please just tell me that song is not the reason he was knighted. Please.
Tia Carrere - Wayne's World, True Lies, and the most recent Dancing With the Stars
Janica Kostelic - I'm as lost as you are
Evangeline Lilly - Kate from Lost
Monica Lewinsky, eh? That one cracks me up. If they had pegged me with that one, it would have made my day. I once liked cigars. Ummm, wait...
Posted by: Kevin | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 07:11 PM
Uhhh... I have no idea why he was knighted.
Service to the British Empire, I guess... perhaps he invaded a country or something.
Posted by: Dave2 | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 07:22 PM
i don't even know who those two guys are. thanks for giving their names. ;)
i did that my heritage thing and apparently i have very asian features 3 of my top 5 were asian actresses.
Posted by: ms. sizzle | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 07:26 PM
Dave, arguably, his singing, in combination with Olivia's looks, brought Americans to their knees and nearly returned us to the kingdom to which we once belonged.
Or something else, perhaps...
Sizzle, you can't just say that and not tell us who it was! Who else was included in your list? Inquiring minds want to know!
Posted by: Kevin | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 07:30 PM
I was very worried about trying this, but went ahead and did it anyway...
Posted by: Dave2 | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 09:13 PM
That's hilarious. Maybe think of it more as celebs you could be related to. It's a heritage website afterall.
Posted by: claire | Wednesday, 22 February 2006 at 11:28 PM
Hey, if Claire is right, and you are somehow related to Rachel Weisz or Eva Longoria... do you think you could hook me up?
Posted by: Dave2 | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 12:48 AM
Mine brought up Freddie Prinze Jr!
Posted by: Alissa | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 07:41 AM
Claire, think I might be entitled to some cash?
Dave, you really shouldn't worry. At least, of the three photos you tried, you only wound up with one woman (arguably in some cases). I'll ask Rachel or Eva about a date. Shouldn't be a problem seeing how close we are.
Alissa, if it came up with both him and Brian Austin Green, then you should worry. But, hey, at least I'm not the only one who came up cross gender.
Posted by: Kevin | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 08:27 AM
I was watching Desperate Housewives on Sunday and all I could think about was you.
Posted by: Neil | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 11:08 AM
I'm... honored? I guess so long as the thought of me didn't turn you on. I am pretty spectacular looking when I tool around town in an Eva-like dress. You should see me. A fuego!
Posted by: Kevin | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 11:18 AM
I wonder if that sites mainly for women?
I can see alot of resemblence between you and ashlee though.
Posted by: Johnny C. | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 12:54 PM
Kevin, I've always thought you were Eva Longoria's twin??
Posted by: sandra | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 02:03 PM
Who knows? I think katie and kathleen would be your best bets to hit up for cash as a long-lost cousin.
Posted by: claire | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 02:43 PM
Johnny, scary as it sounds, I thought the same thing about Ashlee. The chin and low cheek bones, perhaps?
Sandra, I know it may be hard to fathom, but no. I think there may be some family ties way back when. But nothing direct. Oh, and thanks for the comment on Dave's site. You're so mean to me.
Claire, I would go for Katie. She has access now to Tom's fortune. Kathleen only if she was wise with her investments. She hasn't done much acting lately, though, other than Friends.
Posted by: Kevin | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 03:02 PM
True 'dat. ;)
It's pretty interesting though. I don't have any good close shots, so I tried a couple different ones. The results definitely vary with expression/smile/head tilt. Also with shot size... the smaller my head is in relation to the whole picture, the more wacky the results became. Penelope Cruz was my closest match i think at 74%. But there was also Cybill Sheperd, Sarah Jessica Parker, Alyson Hannigan, Brendan Frasier, and a bunch of people I'd never heard of. I'll have to try it again once I've got a good CU.
Posted by: claire | Thursday, 23 February 2006 at 03:34 PM
I tried a couple other photos and got some slightly more masculine results. But not necessarily more encouraging ones. I did get Frank Sinatra which was cool. But I also got Arthur Ashe and Tupac Shakur. Don't understand those at all.
Posted by: Kevin | Friday, 24 February 2006 at 10:19 AM
wow. me and Hendrix...i had no idea.
Posted by: Jules | Sunday, 26 February 2006 at 06:36 PM
That would be a different one. With the babyface I have in my picture, I guess I can understand (not necessarily accept) some of the effeminite comparisons made to it. But for a female to have a shaggy-haired and bearded dead guitarist likened to her image, well...
Posted by: Kevin | Sunday, 26 February 2006 at 06:47 PM
see, when I did it, I got Eddie Murphy as my number one pick. It makes perfect sense - Eddie? skinny, black man. Me? Fat, white woman. I totally see the resemblance :P
Posted by: suze | Tuesday, 23 May 2006 at 07:31 AM
Oh c'mon... I got Ashlee Simpson. I wonder if it would be the same now that she's had her nose job.
Posted by: Kevin | Tuesday, 23 May 2006 at 08:11 AM