I'm going to hell for this one.
Just thought I'd warn you in advance.
And it's not as though this post is going to be particularly blasphemous... it's not. Nothing God-related or religion-infused whatsoever.
I'm just going to be picking on some people a little bit simply because they're stupid. I mean ridiculous stupid. These people deserve their own word, they're that stupid. So, okay, why not? When someone is not just naked, but doing so for the purpose of "getting some," we call them "nekkid," right? They have their own word. These people I'm about to discuss shall have one of their own.
Henceforth, they shall be known as "Stoopid." Yep. Let it be said, let it be done.
The stoopid people I would like to discuss are the ones that were featured on Friday's Maury Show, that would be the daytime talk show hosted by toolboy Maury Povich.
For the record, I don't ever watch this show... period. However, Katie and I were both home on Friday and flipping around the stations and I saw the show's title call-out box with the description "My fear of mustard and pickles is ruining my life."
Oh my dear God... how could I possibly say no?
Essentially, the show featured stoopid people being confronted on their irrational fears.
Yes, I have fears of my own (clowns, ventriloquist dummies, spiders, heights, and, now, stoopid people), but these folks were just freaks. Their fears were completely irrational. They would wig out (yes, I said "wig out") at the very sight of their fears.
One woman was afraid of birds and, when they brought a little canary on stage to help her face her fear, she blew a gasket and ran around the stage screaming, hiding, etc.
A second woman was terrified of mustard. I dislike mustard, but I'm not afraid of it. When they brought a platter covered in mustard on stage, she blew a gasket and ran around the stage screaming, hiding, etc.
Are you starting to see a pattern develop here?
So did I.
I'm guessing the script looked something like this.
[guest sits on chair on stage next to Maury; two guests on stage at a time]
[guests eyes dart around stage in realization that something bad is about to happen]
[despite seeing nothing, guest will stand up and start to scream with hands flailing about at neck level and bouncing back and forth from one foot to the other as though running in place]
[screaming continues as guest looks for nearest exit... they spy the backstage steps and run up them to the landing and start to run down the final flight of stairs only to realize that, at the bottom, is a stagehand bearing the source of their fear]
[guest runs back up steps and yells]
Guest: "Maury, how could you do this to me?!?!?!?!"
[guest spies stagehand off stage left with source of fear as well as one off stage right]
[guest runs behind chairs on stage and shakes one back and forth as though they will pick it up and use it as a weapon]
Guest: "I'm going to kill you!!!!"
[Maury defers to psychoanalyst conveniently sitting in front row of audience]
Maury: "Doc, have you ever seen anything this bad?"
Doctor: "Sadly, Maury, I have."
Maury: "Can you help them, doc?"
Doctor: "Of course I can."
[guest continues wailing like a banshee]
Maury [to stagehands]: "okay, back off!"
It was exactly the same for each of the two guests I stuck around to watch (bird girl and mustard girl). I couldn't stomach it after those two despite the fact that pickle girl was coming up after the break. The improvising portion featured one woman running to the side of the audience bleachers and clutching them while
crying. The other actually did lift up a stage chair and wield it as a
weapon. I really wished she threw it.
So I guess when you look at it, I'm not really picking on people for having irrational fears so much as I'm picking on the writers and producers at The Maury Show for portraying irrational fears so ridiculously. These clearly were not legitimate people fearing something. They were actors. I mean, they did the same damn thing up to the very end. Motion for motion, word for word (as few as there actually were).
Maybe I won't be going to hell after all. Perhaps I will be presented with some kind of award for calling out the stoopid people working on this damnable show for making such a farce of fears. I'll be the talk show whistleblower! I like the sound of that. Someone needs to call them on their stoopidity.
And, for the record, I do not make a habit of watching these shows. I detest them. I watched The Jerry Springer Show a few times out of morbid curiosity, but stopped.
Well, I learned my lesson. That tripe comes on again, I'm gone. Ritualistic self sacrifice, here I come!