It is my firm belief that Texas must be the fattest state in the entire United States of America. Oh hell, it's probably a safe bet that it's one of the worst areas of the world.
I make this claim having never set foot in the state before in my life. And I'm pretty sure that after making it, I will never be welcome there, ever.
But I also make this claim with the utmost in scientific research by my side. Highly objective... thoroughly scrutinized... scientifically verifiable.
Yes, my claim is based on the naming system used by Burger King to designate their new two-patty behemoth known as the Texas Double Whopper.
No, it's not the worst burger developed in recent years. There have been far worse, in fact. But that does nothing to take away from the heart-attack-in-disguise status of this mother of an ex-bovine.
And if Texas is responsible for this burger, God only knows what else they have lurking down there in their heavily protected state recipe files. A San Antonio Super Sloppy Slurpy? Prodigious Padre Island Pancake Patty Melt? Corpus Cristi Crunchy Crusty Cristo?
Yeah, enough of that. My stomach's turning just coming up with those names.
Why did BK decide to sully the image of the Lone Star State in such a way? I realize that when the annual Top 25 Fattest Cities report is released, Texas typically has a handful of cities in the top 25 (four in 2005, alone). But do we really need to denegrate them further? Don't you think they're probably full of enough doubt and self loathing as it is?
But what scares me even more is the fact that I am unable to give you the nutritional facts on this beast. This new burger is conspicuously absent from the downloadable Nutritional Information PDF file on the BK Web site. Whether this is because it is so new or they are afraid to share the truth remains to be seen.
Regardless, I'm scared.
You poor, misunderstood Texans.