See the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet...
Mr. Jones and me, we're gonna be big stars...

Let me introduce to you the one and only...

Considering how much writing I've done in the last week or two in anticipation of our trip out to the left coast, you'd think I would have gotten sick of it. You'd assume that I might just give in and call it a day and just recruit a whole motley crew of guest posters to cover for me.

But I'm just me... little ol' Kevin. Who the hell would want to guest post on this rat trap?

I considered Dave. But he's just too damn cool. While it might up my net worth in the blogging world, it would severely destroy his credibility.

Perhaps Karl. But he'll likely still be in intensive care after all the women at BlogHer discover his bedpost notching intentions.

I'd feel bad if I took away from Sizzle's job search time.

SJ? Who knows if she'd even be able to with her spotty broadband connection. ;-)

How about Hilly? Nah, she's still recovering from having Karl visit for a two-week stretch. She deserves sainthood.

Chase is probably in jail for lewd and indecent public acts perpetrated at BlogHer.

Kim, Eve, Sandra, Mikey, Jacynth, etc., etc., ad infinitum? They're all either too good for this hole or have better things to do with their time. Like watching corn grow. Or paint dry.

Who could I sucker... er "nicely persuade"... to take over blogging duties here on kapgar for a day?

Is there anyone left? Hello? Is there anybody in here?

Dustin Well, I scrounged and searched and begged and pleaded. All that remained was Dustin.

And he was excited to do it.

Sucker.

I kid, I kid. Dustin's a great guy and one whose blog I've been frequenting for a few months now. However, since he's a Blogger user and not familiar with Typepad and, well, I'm just too lazy to teach him the ins and outs (mmm... In-N-Out Burger) of this system, I'm posting it for him. It's in the extended post. Unless you're reading this in your feed aggregator in which case you're seeing the whole thing. C'est la vie.

So, let me introduce to you the one and only Billy Shears... er... Dustin of Cotters In My Tummy! YAY!!!!

I'm off to find an In-N-Out Burger.

Wow, with an introduction so “praise laden,” I’ve really got nothing to lose with this post. 

A special thanks to Kevin for letting me letting me be a guest poster here on Kapgar.  his reminds me of all the times I’ve house sat for really rich co-workers… it always ends up with me getting into their liquor cabinets and then rolling around naked in their beds. I’m not sure what the blog equivalent of that is, but rest assured Kevin, I’ll figure it out before you come back. 

So it turns out that I’m actually headed to Kevin’s neck of the woods before the summer ends. I assumed he’d be pretty excited about the prospect of meeting another one of his fellow bloggers, but apparently it’s “too out of the way.” Okay, okay, so I’ve got a layover in O’Hare for approximately 63 minutes, but still, shouldn’t he at least want to try and take our relationship to the next level? I guess not. Well that’s fine, I’ll just have to entertain myself.

Keeping myself occupied in an airport is actually something I do rather well, especially when I’m waiting to board a flight. I have this game I play that’s kind of like “I Spy.” And by “kind of like ‘I Spy’,” I mean it involves looking at people… that’s about as far as the comparison goes.

Pretty much I like to visually take in a boarding area and attempt to spot who is going to be what type of passenger. While I understand that every flight has a plethora of people with a multitude of varying personas, it never fails that there are always several distinct types of passengers on every plane ride. Here are my favorites…

*The First Time Flyer
Spotting difficulty:  2
This is the easiest type of passenger to spot both pre and post boarding. Pre boarding, they usually attempt to check in no fewer than 18 times. They also have a tendency to dash off to the bathroom every 5 minutes since they don’t actually believe the planes have toilets. Post boarding, these are the passengers that look like they are about to go into cardiac arrest when they see the video of the oxygen masks falling from the overhead compartments.

*The “We’re Gonna Join The Mile High Club” Couple
Spotting difficulty:  6
Pre boarding, this couple is usually getting freaky in the bathroom/utility closet/photo booth, so spying them before getting to your seat is a struggle. However, once on the plane, these people stick out like Waldo at a mime convention.  Nervous giggling, excessive whispering, and constant glancing at the stewards/stewardesses. 

*Food Coma Guy
Spotting difficulty:  5
Being able to pick out this guy is really a crap shoot. The trick is to survey the closest food court in relation to the boarding gate. Sbarro’s, Chili’s, and any place that sells quesadillas are always a good bet. Sometimes, Mr. Munchies will bring his leftover with him on the plane, which makes him an easy target. But if he makes it to his seat and you still haven’t nailed him, chances are you won’t until his lumberjack snore has already caused you to hemorrhage from the ears. This guy can go from zero to REM in about 8.4 seconds.

*The Banshee
Spotting difficulty:  8
The bane of every flyer’s existence, the screaming infant. It is important to note here that neither child nor guardian are usually to blame in these situations, but somehow that doesn’t seem to make any difference at 2 a.m. and halfway across the Atlantic. Being able to pick out which precious bundle of joy is going to wail like a buzz saw is never easy. Things like traveling companions, food, trips to the bathroom, all the usual clues are out the window in cases such as these. My personal technique for spotting these drooling sirens is to carefully observe how each is behaving before they get on the plane. I put my money every time on the ones who are fussy during pre boarding. If you’re a parent, you know where I’m going with this, if not… pay attention. You see, the fussy ones will get all petered out by the time the airplane takes off and so it’s a safer bet that they’ll sleep the majority of the flight. However, those little ones that are sleeping like angels in the boarding area will wake up fully refreshed just after talk off. It is then that they vocally proclaim their demonic intentions of subjecting everyone to their cranial splitting cries.

Hopefully between stereotyping my fellow passengers and looking for a Starbucks, I won’t dwell too much on mine and Kevin’s ex-friendship.  Oh Kevin, we could have been so good together…

Comments

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Dagny

Kevin, I hope you did not forget about the "secret" menu when you got to In 'n' Out.

Dustin, I have met all of those types before on flights. The funny thing is that you usually don't find them in business or first class. Well, at least I haven't. It can make it well worth the extra bucks.

mikey

ROFLMFAO at this posting.

sandra

What about the drunk? And by drunk, I mean me.

Karl

Dustin - ha, having just traveled extensively from Sunday going into Monday (3 connecting flights, ugh), I agree with your categories. And there IS the Drunk, as Sandra mentioned.

Hilly

Next time, pick me pick me!!!!

(makes the Horshack noises)

Actually my dear, I am up in NorCal at my sister's and am half assed paying attention to blogs this week anyhow.

Hello Dustin - nice to uh, meet ya!

Dustin

Ya, the post is finally up!!! Kev told me it'd be up sometime in the morning hours so I've had my own special post proclaiming my guest status here on Kapgar up since 7 am EST. I was beggining to wonder if Kevin was going to stand me up (definitely would have broken up with him for that).

Thanks all for the compliments (despite the gramatical errors I keep spotting)! I failed to mention the drunk passenger because I didn't want Sandra to think I was singling her out, but since she owned up to it, all is well.

Bre

As in all things, I defy categorization! :-P

RW

MMmmmm - In and Out! They make their own fries from whole potatoes right in front of your eyes!

But it isn't authentic unless you have your In an' Outs "Animal Style."

MMmmmmm! I love In n Outs!

Mocha

Great post! Normally I would just read YOU and skim it (I'm telling on myself terribly just there, aren't I?) but I loved it. Having just been on 4 planes in the last week, I must admit to only really looking for the Mile High Couple.

Alas. I did not see them.

Unless they were the ones wearing the trenchcoats.

SJ

Kevin, whatever gave you the idea that I have an unreliable internet connection? :>P

Y'know, they could at least credit me for all the effing downtime. But nooo.

Dagny

RW, that's why I told Kevin about the "secret" menu. You always have to get your double double "animal style."

Dustin

Mocha - Awwww, shucks. You're gonna make me blush. =)

Chase

HEY!! I'm out of jail now, thankyouvermuch.

Eve

And I watching paint grow or corn dry?

Nice guest entry. I particularly like the jackhammering snorer, and one you didn't mention: the child that kicks the back of your seat the entire time. Oh, and don't forget the Ineligible Preboarder: this is the able-bodied person that somehow thinks they have the right to preboard along with the handicapped and those people with infants.

kilax

I think there is a group of people who are too anxious to fly and get where they are going - nervous flyers or something. Their legs are shaking and they usually have some strange nervous habits...

Kevin, I am not good enough to write here anyway! :)

Kevin

Dagny, I did not forget the menu, but I opted for a regular purchase just because I wasn't quite hungry enough for a burger that dang large.

Mikey, I enjoyed it, too.

Sandra, I was wondering who would be first to fess up to that one.

Karl, I ran into many myself.

Hilly... oh, oh! Mr. Carter! Mr. Carter!

Dustin, I have no idea why it posted so late. I set the damn time on it. Weird wild shtuff there, Ed. Had any new readers as a result?

Bre, nah, you're the "disgruntled reslifer who is dreading the return of students." Heh.

RW, it was good. Not as good as we remembered it in L.A., but still good.

Mocha, and people say that boldfacing and italicizing are dead. Bah! I was categorizing as I waited in the airport as well.

SJ, gee I can't figure out where that idea came from. ;-)

Chase, glad to see you made bail.

Eve, well, you're in NYC... so the paint is more likely. The ineligible preboarder is almost as bad as people who park in handicapped spaces with permits and don't need it, but never turned it back in after whatever temporary problem they had.

Kilax, better than you think. Don't shortchange yourself.

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