My dearest Sheryl,
Since you first appeared on the scene back in my undergrad days of college, I've had a crush on you. Your penetrating eyes. The long, curly brown hair. Pouty lips. Soulful voice.
And I know I wasn't the only one. Half the guys on my floor had your album or a poster of you up on the wall. And I was fine sharing you with them.
Through the years, the love remained strong despite such relationship breakers as you losing weight, going glam, dying blonde, straightening the hair, and *GAH!* getting engaged to that bicycle guy. I was willing to forgive you these transgressions.
But this latest act of yours really has me wondering, am I man enough to be your man? Can I do what you asked on your blog? Can I really limit myself to one square of toilet paper per visit to the john?
I want to save the Earth as much as anybody does. Katie and I recycle as much as possible. We shop at Trader Joe's. We use (and then reuse) paper bags when available. All the new cars that we've been pricing for that day when one of us must buy a new one have been either high mileage or even hybrid, if at all possible. We turned the heat down a few degrees in the cold months and the air conditioner up a few degrees in the warm months, when it's too unbearable to open windows and use fans, that is. We've even started switching over to CFLs.
However, this latest call to action may be going a bit over the top, my dear.
Do you really not have any better suggestions? Something more significant? Something more realistic?
If not, and if you really stand by this statement, then, much like the tree I'm using to obtain my TP, our love is dead. I'm sorry, but you can kiss my lily-white, well-wiped butt.
Because, if you're only using one square of toilet paper, I'll be damned if I'm kissing yours.
P.S. I have a meme for you in the extended post. Probably not very environmentally friendly either. They require factories to create and, in two out of three cases, electric power to operate. Sorry.
One Book, One Album, One Movie for that Desert Island:
Book - Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. I almost went with Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? but I reverted back to my first choice.
Album - Love Gun from KISS. I was teetering between this and The Eagles' Hotel California.
Movie - The Shawshank Redemption, no question about it.
As per usual, steal at will.