Pistons poppin', ain't no stoppin' now...
Throw it up...

No one said it would be easy...

My dearest Sheryl,

Since you first appeared on the scene back in my undergrad days of college, I've had a crush on you. Your penetrating eyes. The long, curly brown hair. Pouty lips. Soulful voice.

And I know I wasn't the only one. Half the guys on my floor had your album or a poster of you up on the wall. And I was fine sharing you with them.

Through the years, the love remained strong despite such relationship breakers as you losing weight, going glam, dying blonde, straightening the hair, and *GAH!* getting engaged to that bicycle guy. I was willing to forgive you these transgressions.

But this latest act of yours really has me wondering, am I man enough to be your man? Can I do what you asked on your blog? Can I really limit myself to one square of toilet paper per visit to the john?

I want to save the Earth as much as anybody does. Katie and I recycle as much as possible. We shop at Trader Joe's. We use (and then reuse) paper bags when available. All the new cars that we've been pricing for that day when one of us must buy a new one have been either high mileage or even hybrid, if at all possible. We turned the heat down a few degrees in the cold months and the air conditioner up a few degrees in the warm months, when it's too unbearable to open windows and use fans, that is. We've even started switching over to CFLs.

However, this latest call to action may be going a bit over the top, my dear.

Do you really not have any better suggestions? Something more significant? Something more realistic?

If not, and if you really stand by this statement, then, much like the tree I'm using to obtain my TP, our love is dead. I'm sorry, but you can kiss my lily-white, well-wiped butt.

Because, if you're only using one square of toilet paper, I'll be damned if I'm kissing yours.

Sincerely,

kapgar

P.S. I have a meme for you in the extended post. Probably not very environmentally friendly either. They require factories to create and, in two out of three cases, electric power to operate. Sorry.

From Neil...

One Book, One Album, One Movie for that Desert Island:

Desertisland

Book - Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. I almost went with Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? but I reverted back to my first choice.

Album - Love Gun from KISS. I was teetering between this and The Eagles' Hotel California.

Movie - The Shawshank Redemption, no question about it.

As per usual, steal at will.

Comments

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suze

yeah - I saw that a few days ago. Perhaps if we were using the ultra fancy 6ply toilet paper, we could get away with one square, but when you're using the eco-friendly, 1ply Green brand from your local grocery chain, you need more than one or two squares. But at least it comes from recycled paper...

holygirl427

Ok, that's just wrong on so many levels. I'm speaking of course of your love of Sheryl Crowe.

Also, mad props on Philip K Dick. Did you think Bladerunner compared well to the book?

Dave2

I have four words for you: Cottonelle Flushable Moist Wipes... life-changing, and probably not approved by Sheryl Crowe.

Geeky Tai-Tai

Awww, come on folks! OK, I'll grant you, I'm older than everyone here. Haven't any of you watched "Seinfeld"? The episode where they're at the movies and Elaine needs to use the toilet? She gets in the stall, does her business and realizes there's no toilet paper. Desperately, she askes the woman in the stall next to her, "PLEASE, can you spare a square?" Or something to that effect. I don't have the script here, but that's pretty damn close.

Laurie David's husband is Larry David, the creator and writer of "Seinfeld". The "one-square" thing was a not-so-funny-joke -- one of those, you had to be there things.

diane

I liked Sheryl when she first appeared, and when she was dating Clapton.
But once she started up with Armstrong I lost any shred of interest in or respect for her.
Now she's just gone too far, but I can't say I'm surprised...
(I guess she must take wee teeny tiny girlie poos to only require one square??!)

kapgar

suze, six ply?? Dang, you Canadians have all the cool stuff.

holygirl, hey, she was hot! As for Blade Runner, the movie and book strike me as two totally different entities. Some of it translated well, but a majority didn't seem to. Of course, it's been about ten years since I've seen the movie and only a year or two since I read the book. Love the book, though.

Dave, those are awesome, but I don't carry them at work or when out on the town. But they do feel good, don't they?

Geeky, I never realized they were going for a literal single square there. I just assumed it was a cute, off-the-cuff, Elaine-styled expression. I do remember that one.

diane, she dated Clapton? Really? Mad props on that one. Explains why she's playing his guitar hero festival in Chicago this summer. Not even tiny poos would work with a single square.

Eileen Dover

Sheryl Crow is not a woman, she is a cyborg.

As a woman, when it comes to - ahem - that time of month, there is no human way we can possibly freshen ourselves with one teeny little square.

Even if it is not even that time, things can get a little tropical in that region of the world for a female.

I am Cornholio!

Erin

Sheryl Crow, eh? Well, we all have our guilty pleasures. I've got my little Bruce Willis habit, so glass houses and all that, I won't say anything about her.

Nice choices for your three. Off the top of my head I'd say mine are The World According to Garp, Wreck Your Life by The Old 97s, and "When Harry Met Sally..." That was hard, especially just one album!

Hilly

Somehow my crushes on all of you boys get dissolved when you start talking about moist wipes for your asses ;).

Uhm anyway, I am saving Earth by not stinking up the place by not wiping properly. And Eilieen is right, there is no way in HELL we could use a square during our special time.

Hrm, methinks I just lost all of my crushworthiness too ;).

kapgar

Eileen, I can believe that about Sheryl. At least now I can.

Erin, Bruce Willis, eh? Interesting. When Harry Met Sally is a good one. I've never read The World According to Garp. That good, eh?

Hilly, yeah, I was going to counter that with a claim that the same happens to us guys when we hear you talk about "that time." But since you covered that already, we're good. ;-)

Nat

Eileen is a goddess for saying what i was thinking,just more nicely.

Why do we insist on taking advice of this sort form Sheryl Crow or any musician anyway? I mean David Suzuki (do you know who that is?) or some scientist with great ideas perhaps. Sheryl Crow... not so much.

Just started Lamb on your recommendation I think. Loving it so far.

sizzle

shawshank is one of my top ten favorite films ever.

she really asked us to use one square? that's such bullshit (emphasis on shit since there will be ... well you know).

Bre

Think of all the water folks (better) waste scrubbin the hell out of their hands afterwards...

eeweeweeweew

Dagny

It is time to say goodbye to Sheryl. And now I have Bre's comment stuck in my head. All I can think is, "I'm not sure if anyone should ever shake hands with Sheryl. Is she washing her hands properly?" Ewwwwww!!!

And Shawshank has always been one of my faves. The novella as well the movie.

kapgar

Nat, if she said it nicely, I want to hear how you would've said it. I completely understand what you mean about credibility factor... Sheryl Crow? Not so much. Lamb was more than likely my recommendation. I've raved about it for a few years now.

sizzle, great flick, isn't it? If you want proof, click over to her blog. I linked directly to the post.

Bre, I swear if I ever find out a person is not washing their hands after going to the bathroom now? I will freak out. If I find out they're also Sheryl Crow fans? I'm clubbing them (while wearing a hazmat suit, of course).

Dagny, I truly doubt she's washing properly especially not if she's trying to conserve water as well. Both aspects of Shawshank are incredible. Katie got me a hardcover first edition of Different Seasons when I finished my master's comps. One of my grad school research projects for a film/lit class was a comparative study of that novella and film.

sandra

I need to tell you that jacynth hates her more than...well, a lot. Just in case you ever have occasion to email about her. :)

kapgar

Sandra, sounds akin to my distaste for Rosie O'Donnell and, well, the entire cast of The View.

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