Sit down and talk to me...

Let's see... story about guys who made me ashamed to be male and human or my creative writing about flying over some of the most fantastic scenery ever? Well, I've got the latter recorded in my Moleskine, so I think I'll opt for the former before it fades from memory forever. Wouldn't want to disappoint Sandra by forgetting the story. Sound cool to you?

I want to say this was Friday morning in Vegas. Katie was out doing some of the girlie things that bridesmaids do and my brother and I decided to head poolside. We searched for nearly 10 minutes for chaise lounges before we finally found a pair at the very last pool furthest from the hotel property. We were the final two lounges in a row about 10 feet away from the actual pool. Right next to us were two guys in their early 20s.

My brother and I sat out and tanned for about 20 minutes before going into the pool. We went through this routine once or twice more. However, on the second-to-last tanning session, I heard one of the guys next to me on his cellphone talking to some buddies about coming down to the pool and hanging out and drinking some beer. Yeah, whatever. No big deal.

In our final time in the pool as we were passing around a Nerf football we purchased the night before, I looked over and saw that the two guys now had two more guys with them. They were all standing up talking and drinking basically because they had no place to sit. We watched them as we continued passing the ball to ensure that they didn't try to take our seats. Several minutes later, my brother and I got out of the pool and headed over to our lounges. We were cooked and ready to head in.

We sat on the ends of our seats and dried off. My brother grabbed his Blackjack and started to check messages and whatnot. I figured we would just get up and go leaving our lounges for the two new arrivals next to us.

However, during the next several minutes of my brother's message checking, I started listening in to what they were saying. And I quickly changed my mind about simply ceding our chairs to them.

"Oh, I'd never get it on with a fat chick... no way!"

Dear Christ no. Please don't tell me I'm sitting next to assholes (that's a quarter, I can afford it).

"Well, I did it once with one, but only because she had an awesome car."

And I am. Yay.

Several more comments such as this were passed among them. Then I heard one of them say, "I hope these guys next to us leave soon. I want their chairs."

The mental gears began to grind.

My brother hung up his phone and looked over to me to see if I was ready to go. I said not quite. He asked why and I relayed what I heard to him. He hung his head in disgust and asked what my plan was. I told him my plan was simply to leave when I was good and ready.

"Good and ready" arrived in the form of two 50-something women who were sharing our earlier frustration searching for lounges. I looked over to them and asked if they were, indeed, looking for a place to sit. They confirmed that they were and I offered them our seats. They were more than happy to accept. I remained seated until they were close enough that it was clear to everyone around us that they would be sitting in our lounges and no one could try to cut them off in a mad dash to sit down.

We walked away to profuse thanks from the two women and we also stopped about 20 feet away to make sure that the jagoffs didn't try to bargain them out of the seats. They didn't, so we continued on.

I got knucks and a "nicely played" from my brother.

I felt good about myself the rest of the day.

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): As Katie and I were unloading our suitcases last night and separating the clothes into washing-machine-ready piles, I overheard her as she discovered the side pocket containing dirty underwear and socks... "It smells like crotch!"

I couldn't stop laughing for five minutes.

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I think you should be really proud to be who you are. Those guys were jerks, and although you could not possibly fix them, you being the guy you are makes up for guys like them. Thank you!


Knucks for you, dude. Tormenting of douchebags, or mere sources of unmitigated douchebaggery, is a true sport of gentlemen.


Actually, it's good for all those "fat-chicks" because then you never have to deal with dating one of those morons who clearly don't have a redeeming bone in their body. Fat eliminates the assholes in the dating process. Never underestimate the power of fat! ;)

But "Yay!" for the whole chair episode - well played!


The only down side I can see to what you did is that those poor ladies had to listen to that drivel after you left. Cheers to you for a well played hand.


You are awesome. That is the kind of stuff I would do.

Amy Guth

All hail thee, Kapgar!


LOL, I think Katie and I could be friends for sure :) And I think Vegas put a little of the awesome snark in YOU! The cussing, the chair scheme....woohoo!

As the spokesperson for the "fat chicks", we don't want to date them either. We want to date awesome nice guys like you! Yanno, the unmarried Kevin clones of course ;).


Nicely played indeed. No wonder you are everyone's blog crush! :-)


Most excellent. I have a feeling that karma has a great deal more in store for those assholes.


Judging by Katie's comment, I'd say the pool incident wasn't the only thing you handled *very* well while you were in Vegas! ;)

Will you please put a photo of Tan Kevin up on Flickr? Oooh, even better, is there one of Tan Kevin AND Tan Brian?


So is the asshole to non-asshole ratio higher in Vegas, or just at the pool? Is it worse than Chitown?


Indeed, nicely played. {{virtual knuckles}}. Douchbags.

To Katie: Well what else would it smell like? Because really, if there was rose water wafting out of it there would be something really wrong. :)

Eileen Dover


That's insanely studly hot what you did.


Outstanding. You do indeed rock. It's generally around jackasses like that I am unable to keep my big mouth shut and end up in some sort of confrontation. But the chair move was genius. Glad you had fun!


i kinda adore you more now. when are the kevin clones going to be on the market?


Well played, my friend.


Well played, sir.

PS-- Two quarters! One for asshole, one for taking the Lord's name in vain?


That was totally cool of you!!
(Wow,crushing hard on you!)


tori, sadly, as much as I might try to make up for them, their deficiencies always seem to outweigh my redemptions.

Dariush, it's the sport of kings, better than diamond rings...

Kyra, thanks!

Odie, yeah, I considered that, too.

Jacquie, there are plenty of idiots in the world. I'm sure you can find one to do that to.

Amy, your praise is noted. ;-)

Hilly, I fear how well you and Katie would get along.

diane, not everyone's. Just a few of my lovely fellow bloggers. ;-)

Dagny, I truly hope so.

SJ, I fear a photo such as that might permanently damage your eyesight.

kilax, they were the only bad ones. And they were visitors. So hopefully the majority are better than that.

g-man, yeah, that could've meant that one of our wine bottles broke in the suitcase!

Eileen, why thank you, m'lady!

Laurel, I was worried about keeping my mouth shut, too. Luckily I came up with the perfect subtle asskicking.

sizzle, just in time for Christmas!

Bre, thanks!

Erin, damn! Wait, that's three!

metalmom, crush away!


What an awesome thing you did. :) I feel sorry for men like that - they have no idea what they're missing...


suze, they're idiots, plain and simple.

steppingover thejunk

Those guys sound so classy! I like that you gave the seats to the older ladies, maybe they swatted the guys over the head after some more enlightening conversation.


Jeez, I knew I should've stuck around!


There are so many guys out like this that I'm not even surprised. I once heard a guy look across the room and say he'd sleep with her if he could put a bag over her head. Real mature asshole (oops, I said it, not you!).


Jackasses. There was a guy I knew in high school who started something they called The Belt. Basically, him and all his dickhead friends tried to hook up with the fattest girl at every party they went to and literally passed a championship "belt" around between them.


Elaine, I shouldn't be surprised either. But sometimes, it still strikes me.

sandra, that's beyond pathetic.

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