Look out, here comes the Spider-Pig...
It won't begin until you make it end...

No one's gonna stop...

To the idiot sitting at the four-way intersection motioning at me to walk faster through the crosswalk who is also lurching his car forward to emphasize his impatience yesterday, I have a lesson in what we know as the Rules of the Road.

Shall we discuss the situation at hand?

I was waiting to cross the street. There were cars coming from all directions. All of them came to legal stops. I waited through a few of them, probably more than I needed to. When I felt the time was right, I began my journey into the crosswalk.

Apparently, you did not agree with my assessment that "the time was right" or you would not have been waving me on, edging closer to my knees.

I'll be upfront with you, I don't like people who do this. There, it's out. The truth has been told. I have injured my knees enough times without the aid of mechanized equipment. I really would not appreciate you reinjuring them at all. Seriously. You're in a piece of shit Mercedes coupe. I don't like your car and would be more than willing to pound my fists in the hood leaving a dent in your overpriced hunk of fiberglass crap. It may not be a huge dent, but it will be enough that you will 1) cry like a simpering baby; and 2) have to pay a couple thousand dollars in repair costs for the entire hood. I won't be paying one red cent for your damages. Trust me on that one. I can fake a fall and limp with the best of them. Enough to make everyone else at that intersection side with me.

Oh, and I hate idiots. That's a point that's been made abundantly clear here on my blog.

Now, how about we discuss what you did wrong.

Stopsign_3

This is a STOP SIGN. Say it with me, "Stop... Sign."

According to the Illinois Rules of the Road (chapter 7)...

This eight-sided red sign means stop. You must make a complete stop at the stop line. If there is no stop line, stop before entering the crosswalk. If there is no crosswalk, stop before entering the intersection. Yield the right-of-way to pedestrians and approaching traffic. If it is a four-way STOP sign, wait your turn.

So what exactly does "stop" mean, just in case you're that much of an idiot? According to Merriam-Webster, "stop" means "to arrest the progress or motion of  : cause to halt   <stopped the car>."

I can understand how this might be a tough concept to grasp especially when a rolling stop will save you a few whole seconds of drive time. I've also heard how some people learn better through the use of mnemonics. In this case, I'm going to employ a reverse acronym system. What I mean is that while some people learn several words by creating an acronym of their first letters, I'm going to give you a four-word phrase to help you remember our special word of the day and what it means. Sound good?

"Stop" has four letters. S-T-O-P. So here we go...

Stopsigns_3

Stopsignt

Stopsigno

Stopsignp

= Sit = Tight = Overanxious = Prick

I really hope this helps. My only goal here is to educate and inform. I want to make this world more pleasant for all of us who have to suffer at the hands of insufferable bastards like yourself.

Now let's put all this unpleasantness behind us, okay? Next time we see each other, maybe we can smile and wave like nice citizens. Sound like a deal? And please retract that middle finger while doing so.

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): And how are Katie and I spending this evening? At The Party That Shall Not Be Named, of course! And tomorrow is day three of the Kapgar Summer Concert Series with Rocco DeLuca and the Burden at the House of Blues in Chicago! Totally loaded weekend that we're gonna love!

Comments

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Dave2

That would have earned the moron a wag of my finger.

Wag of my MIDDLE finger...

Odie

I applaud your grasp of the English language, particularly your ability to create memory enhancers. Now, if only the party to whom you direct your teachings were able to read.

metalmom

Since I am ever vigilant against those who would seek to harm my cuteness,I carry my keys in my hand to use if the need ever arises. I would have faked a "trip" and reached out with my "key hand"--a very loud Urkel apology would ensue..."Did I do that??"

Dagny

Yep. Definitely a moment to flip someone off. Usually shot over the shoulder as I walk past without a single look at the offending driver.

Perhaps this is why there are now all kinds of signs around here stating what the fine is for failing to stop for a pedestrian. I think it's around $130.

kilax

Did this happen in the city or in Geneva?

Kevin, you forgot, cars have the right of way!

August

you seem a little upset. Maybe I'm wrong ;)

Did this little rant help ?

Have a great weekend sweets!

Bre

Ugh! I hate people like that at crosswalks. Sit tight, jerks! I have the right of way!! :)

kapgar

Dave, I was dangerously close to doing just that.

Odie, I keep hoping any one of the targets of my hatred occasionally happens across my site. I seriously doubt it, though.

metalmom, and how many times have you Urkel'd?

Dagny, that's a pretty steep fine. I LIKE IT!

kilax, neither, actually. It happened outside where I work.

August, a little bit.

Bre, no doubt. And they still forget!

Mocha

You looked up the Rules of the Road. For Illinois. And then? THEN you broke out the Merriam-Webster, dude. You need to run for president because you're brilliant.

Also, you said prick so my adoration for you continues...

metalmom

When you ask me like that, it sounds dirty!! LOL!!

claire

Love the acronym. Does it (and 'bastards') require a donation to your swear jar though? ;)

Nat

Dude, see.. this is what I'm talking about.

Honnking, rude, assholes behind the wheel...

kapgar

Mocha, I'm nothing if not thorough!

metalmom, "dirty" in reference to Urkel? EWWWWWWW!!!

claire, absolutely!

Nat, ...that need to be shot.

sizzle

here in seattle it seems everyone WANTS to stop for pedestrians, even those illegally crossing in the middle of the road. it weirds me out. in california people are mowed down daily out of impatience.

you really put a lot of research into this post kevin. i'm impressed!

kapgar

They want to stop? Wow. That's a new concept. I'm not sure I could handle that.

Mike J

I loved your stop sign prick mnenoics : I couldn't agree more and probably would have had the exact same thoughts as you :) Hit that hood baby hahaha.

As far as Harry Potter.... I tried so hard to get into that series and just couldn't... I hope you have fun though! Oh and House Of Blues in Chicago is my favorite place to see a band play. That and the Metro. (remember Dishwalla :) When Better Than Ezra plays HOB check it out!!!!!1

kapgar

Dishwalla, Tonic, and the Refreshments on a night blanketed in snow in downtown Chicago. Doesn't get much better than that.

ingenue

Seeing the driver's obvious impatience, I would have busted out an exaggerated slow motion run and hoped to God he didn't mow me down.

kapgar

That would've been too funny. Might've caused other accidents from the other drivers laughing so hard.

kilax

P.S. Kevin, I think this is one of your best blogs ever. Makes me laugh and laugh again. The best part is the acronym (sp?) you came up with! :)

kapgar

kilax, thanks! It's nice to know that what comes off in my head as a garbage post is actually well received. And you're right on the spelling of "acronym."

diane

I'm with Kilax--one of my favorite entries! I might have to nominate it...for...something...having to do with...blog entries...and awards...uh, yeah.

kapgar

diane, wow! That would be my first ever nomination for... something... having to do with... blog entries... and awards. ;-)

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