Don't need nothin' but a good time...
Look out, here comes the Spider-Pig...

The time that I thought would last...

I'm curious what happened to the "right" time?


Okay, when I was young, there was a point in my life when girls suddenly and miraculously changed from friends (I never bought into the cootie factor) to someone you, well, like... as more than just friends.

And nothing plays harder into this discovery phase than older women. If you're lucky, you have a friend with a hot older sister and you start to hang out at their place more often. Maybe it's a babysitter and, suddenly, your whining for independence and lessened supervision when your parents go out wanes a bit.

Being as ingrained in pop culture as I've always been, the first women I looked at as sex symbols were those on the screen (both large and small) as well as in the music industry. Elisabeth Shue of The Karate Kid and Cocktail, Belinda Carlisle of The Go-Go's, Maureen McCormick of The Brady Bunch (in syndication, of course), and Virginia Madsen of that picture I tore out of a magazine and had hanging on the wall of my bedroom for a good five or more years.

The problem, besides them being famous and completely out of reach, is that they were far too old for me at the time. I realized that even then. But it never stopped the drooling.

Time passed. Yet I don't seem to recall, in the intervening years from Ali ditching Daniel just before his trip to Okinawa to the last several years, any celebrities that did as much for me as my early crushes.

Recently, however, I've developed another series of mini crushes and my tendencies have gone completely reverse. This time around, they're all far too young for me! Megan Fox of Transformers (does anyone realize that she was only three years old when her fiancee, Brian Austin Green, started on Beverly Hills 90210?); Joss Stone of, well, Joss Stone; and another young actress who shall remain nameless due to the fact that she's not quite legal yet suffice it to say that she makes for a cute on-screen cheerleader.

What the heck?!?! Shouldn't there have been some sort of reverse sliding scale to ease me into this stage of celebrity lust? As I aged, shouldn't there have been other actresses or singers I liked that slowly moved closer in age to myself before they suddenly became younger than me?

Apparently not.

I skipped directly from horny pre-teen to old-ass pervert in what feels like no time at all.

Oh goodie.