While I'm not making any resolutions this year (sorry, but swearing is now allowed!), I would like to recommend some New Year's resolutions for other people. Here's what I've got so far and I open up the floor to any suggestions you all have as well...
All those opposing the Writer's Guild of America
Please resolve this strike now. You make enough money as it is. Give the writers their due. And give us back our TV shows.
Stop. Now. I'd rather you go black than continue with some of the "reality" TV programming you keep shoving down our throats. The Moment of Truth? Really? Can't you just replay entire seasons of old, scripted shows?
Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears
I've asked this before and you didn't listen. But I'm going to try again... disappear. Just for a couple years. Please. I'm sick of your mugs "gracing" the covers of every friggin' magazine on the shelves in the checkout line.
While I gave your album, Back to Black, pretty rave reviews in my year-end recap, you'll need to put out at least one more hit album before I think your made-for-the-tabloids life is worth giving a rat's ass about.
I would like to request you play at least 10 shows in Chicago should you go on a world tour this year. With what the demand will be for tickets to your shows, it will likely be nearly 10 concerts worth of tickets sold before I'm able to get through either on the phone or net to get some for myself. Or you can save me the headache and just give me four tickets now. I don't care if they're for nosebleed heaven, I'll take them. I will even review your show on my blog. Really, I will. That might cost you a press pass, though.
The makers of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
I pray you have created a good show. Considering there is nothing else original on TV right now, I'm putting a lot of faith in your show. My entertainment quotient is relying on you. If not, I suggest you get crackin' on some quality episodes. But I will admit that casting Summer Glau of Firefly as a terminatrix is pretty inspired. Nice call.
I love you and what you offer me with a passion, but can we finally do away with that ridiculous "Album Only" requirement that you impose on some albums. I know your goal, and the goal of musicians and music labels is to sell entire albums. But the great thing about online music purchasing is the ability to pick and choose what you want. Or, at least, that's how it's supposed to be. Now, with albums like the Juno soundtrack, I have to buy the whole thing to get the Moldy Peaches' "Anyone Else But You." Kill the totalitarian ways already.
Cut Grossman, find a quarterback in the draft, and fix up the rest of your offense. Might want to shore up the defense, too. They weren't entirely consistent this past season. Whatever. I just know you need some help. Desperately.
Major League Baseball
I'm going to give you a shot again this season. It's been two years since I've really given a damn about you at all. But I'm going to try. I would like to see the Cubbies win it all, but I'm a realist in addition to being a Cubs fan, so I'm not holding out much hope. Otherwise, I'm pulling for the Tigers. Go Big D.
We guys need to shave (and let's not forget the women who shave their legs as well) and you are one of the top companies when it comes to shaving products. Can you finally lower the price on your replacement razor blade cartridges? I feel like I've already willed you my firstborn as it is. Do you need the second child as well?
Fat cells on my body
Just leave. You're not wanted. I suggest you find a host body that wants you as opposed to mine. You'll feel so much better about yourselves when you can play parasite on a willing person.
Lead reviewer at Fun With Dead Trees
I'd like to recommend you read more books and write more reviews. Your site is getting a bit stagnant. If you hope to rule the amateur book review ranks, you really need to hop to it. Oh wait, I'm the lead reviewer at FWDT. D'oh!