Should old acquaintance be forgot...
Guess I grew up too fast and I forgot my name...

Nothing stays the same...

While I'm not making any resolutions this year (sorry, but swearing is now allowed!), I would like to recommend some New Year's resolutions for other people. Here's what I've got so far and I open up the floor to any suggestions you all have as well...

All those opposing the Writer's Guild of America
Please resolve this strike now. You make enough money as it is. Give the writers their due. And give us back our TV shows.

TV studios
Stop. Now. I'd rather you go black than continue with some of the "reality" TV programming you keep shoving down our throats. The Moment of Truth? Really? Can't you just replay entire seasons of old, scripted shows?

Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears
I've asked this before and you didn't listen. But I'm going to try again... disappear. Just for a couple years. Please. I'm sick of your mugs "gracing" the covers of every friggin' magazine on the shelves in the checkout line.

Amy Winehouse
While I gave your album, Back to Black, pretty rave reviews in my year-end recap, you'll need to put out at least one more hit album before I think your made-for-the-tabloids life is worth giving a rat's ass about.

Led Zeppelin
I would like to request you play at least 10 shows in Chicago should you go on a world tour this year. With what the demand will be for tickets to your shows, it will likely be nearly 10 concerts worth of tickets sold before I'm able to get through either on the phone or net to get some for myself. Or you can save me the headache and just give me four tickets now. I don't care if they're for nosebleed heaven, I'll take them. I will even review your show on my blog. Really, I will. That might cost you a press pass, though.

The makers of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
I pray you have created a good show. Considering there is nothing else original on TV right now, I'm putting a lot of faith in your show. My entertainment quotient is relying on you. If not, I suggest you get crackin' on some quality episodes. But I will admit that casting Summer Glau of Firefly as a terminatrix is pretty inspired. Nice call.

iTunes
I love you and what you offer me with a passion, but can we finally do away with that ridiculous "Album Only" requirement that you impose on some albums. I know your goal, and the goal of musicians and music labels is to sell entire albums. But the great thing about online music purchasing is the ability to pick and choose what you want. Or, at least, that's how it's supposed to be. Now, with albums like the Juno soundtrack, I have to buy the whole thing to get the Moldy Peaches' "Anyone Else But You." Kill the totalitarian ways already.

Chicago Bears
Cut Grossman, find a quarterback in the draft, and fix up the rest of your offense. Might want to shore up the defense, too. They weren't entirely consistent this past season. Whatever. I just know you need some help. Desperately.

Major League Baseball
I'm going to give you a shot again this season. It's been two years since I've really given a damn about you at all. But I'm going to try. I would like to see the Cubbies win it all, but I'm a realist in addition to being a Cubs fan, so I'm not holding out much hope. Otherwise, I'm pulling for the Tigers. Go Big D.

Gillette
We guys need to shave (and let's not forget the women who shave their legs as well) and you are one of the top companies when it comes to shaving products. Can you finally lower the price on your replacement razor blade cartridges? I feel like I've already willed you my firstborn as it is. Do you need the second child as well?

Fat cells on my body
Just leave. You're not wanted. I suggest you find a host body that wants you as opposed to mine. You'll feel so much better about yourselves when you can play parasite on a willing person.

Lead reviewer at Fun With Dead Trees
I'd like to recommend you read more books and write more reviews. Your site is getting a bit stagnant. If you hope to rule the amateur book review ranks, you really need to hop to it. Oh wait, I'm the lead reviewer at FWDT. D'oh!

Comments

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Nilsa S.

Might I suggest telling Amy Winehouse to join Lohan, Spears and Hilton until she can get her own messed up life under control? Good music or not, I don't want to see her anorexic, drug face covering my 'zines!

Also, good thing you've got those Tigers as back-up. Cubs are cursed for life. Go Cards! (Sorry, had to go there. You may go back to your cursing ways now!)

kilax

Lol, Kevin. The Gillette and Fat Cells comments really cracked me up. The women's razor blades are expensive too :( (I use Schick) It makes me not want to shave... ever... or at least during the winter. Poor Steven :(

No Celery Please

Summer Glau is the only reason that show is getting a shot with me.

Dustin

Omg, yes. Amy Winehouse needs to assure us she's not a flash in the pan before I decide to give a crap about her drama.

P.S. Summer Glau in new Terminator series...how'd I miss that one!!?!

sue

Good list. I think I agree with pretty much everything. Must be why I like ya. ;)

Here's to a great 2008 to you both!

kapgar

Nilsa, I know they're cursed. Tigers should fare better. I hope.

kilax, oh we know the cost. For whatever reason, I couldn't think of the name Schick or I would've made it a joint resolution for both companies. Ah well, hindsight is 20/20.

NCP, me too.

Dustin, I just figured it out a week or so ago. I saw the pictures and never made the mental connection. She's pretty hot.

sue, some of those are just way too commonsense, aren't they?

sizzle

i seriously need to get to reading. i've been very bad at it. can my fat cells join your fat cells and go party elsewhere? great!

kapgar

They can party all they want so long as it's not on us!

Dave2

The whole "album only" thing has nothing to do with Apple or iTunes... that is entirely at the discretion of the record label.

kapgar

I know it's the record companies. But Apple has been able to exert its might to maintain the 99 cent pricing plan, so I was hoping, through use of shame, they could do the same with the Album Only feature.We can hope! ;-)

nicole

Re iTunes: My biggest beef with it is that damn gapless playback check it tries to do constantly on my music. You can't turn it off!

Oh and I say just get the Juno soundtrack from the library for free.

Bec

If The Late Show can sort it out then surely everyone else can! Give all the lovely money to the lovely lovely writers!

kapgar

nicole, I actually can tolerate the gapless playback check as opposed to how it used to be. All songs had a gap of dead air between. So if you had a live album with applause segueing the songs, you still had a gap to break it up. Drove me insane.

Bec, you'd think if some can, the rest could. C'est la vie.

claire

Target sells Gillette compatible replacement blades for much less. Used to be way way less, but they've wised up on their pricing so now it's about $5 less than the brand name blades. They sell out frequently though...I ended up buying a pack of sensor blades at costco.

As for reality tv, it's even worse since those shows are written. The writers for them just aren't covered by the WGA at this point, so they really get abused in terms of working hours and pay.

I wish iTunes would (though I'm sure it's not all under their control) do entirely away with DRM. I refuse to buy a 99 cent song with DRM only to have to pay another 30 cents to upgrade it later when they now sell DRM-free songs for 99 cents. Grr.

I plan to read more books this year (have a good stack going) and hopefully some of that effort will translate to more reviews.

kapgar

claire, actually iTunes DRM free stuff (iTunes Plus) is down to 99 cents each so far as I've seen. It started at $1.29, but most have dropped back to 99. This is actually something they had to do to make the record companies happy. But they're pushing for DRM free on everything. I had no idea razor blades came in generics. I'll have to check into that. Thanks for the tip!

Karl

Great list. That "album only" thing bugs me, too, but it's totally out of Apple's hands. Now Amazon is selling MP3's for 89 cents but they don't have NEARLY the selection that iTunes does.

kapgar

But I did manage to get Jay-Z's new album for only $7.99 at Amazon. That was great!

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