What do you say...
I was at the gym last night and I ran into a an old coworker, let's call him Pat. Now Pat was one of those perpetually happy people. He always had a smile on his face, never had a bad word to say about anyone, very deeply religious. He's basically Kenneth the page from 30 Rock without the buffer of writers and a television screen. From what I've been told, pretty much his entire family is that way.
Disgusting, right? Anyway.
I had a conversation with him and we got on the topic of Thanksgiving.
Me: Not bad. And yours?
Pat: Could've been better.
Hmmm... something questionable happened in Pat's household? I must push forth.
Pat: My brother relapsed.
Of course, me being the cynic, I automatically mentally assumed a drug addiction. Wow, his family had a chink in their sunny armor, a misstep in their happy dance, a black sheep.
Pat: I never told you about this?
Me: Nope.
Pat: My brother has bone cancer.
Oh hell.
Oh sweet Jesus, no.
How are you supposed to react to this? What do you say when a guy you know -- hell, I actually trained him at his job -- tells you that his 14-year-old brother has bone cancer and this guy seems to have given up all hope that the situation will ever permanently reverse itself?
Me, the wannabe writer... and that's all I could come up with.
I think you did well. It's really hard to know what to say, but I think mostly he just wanted to tell someone.
Posted by: Odie | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 08:19 AM
Sometimes saying you are sorry is all you can say. I know from experience. When I tell people I've been through nine rounds of chemo and haven't responded to any of it I don't expect them to have words of wisdom. In fact I feel bad telling them because I know they won't know what to say.
As long as you are genuine no one can ask for anything else.
Posted by: Lisa | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 08:37 AM
Sometimes there's nothing else you can say. Sorry sounds about right to me.
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Posted by: suze | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 09:20 AM
How horrible. :-( Not what you said but the situation. His poor brother. There isn't any right thing to say. What you said was perfectly fine. Nothing would have felt right.
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Posted by: sizzle | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 09:36 AM
I don't think there is anything else to say. You did great.
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Posted by: Sheila (Charm School Reject) | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 09:47 AM
Real life isn't equipped with witty writers to help you sum up feelings in 7 to 12 minute intevals.... that's why it's real life. You did good. Sometimes it's the short, simple answers that are best.
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Posted by: Blondefabulous | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 09:49 AM
I am a writer and I say stupid stuff to grieving people all the time. For example, I once told a guy who had just lost his wife of 30-plus years in a bicycling accident after a lengthy interview, "Good luck getting over that." In my defense, it's really hard to figure out how to end a conversation about a dead person, but I've gotten better. What I've learned is that people in grief aren't really listening to you anyway, they just want to talk about the one they love.
Posted by: Jake | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 09:51 AM
What a terrible situation to be put into. One of my BEST clients was just diagnosed with prostate cancer... It's hard to go from that to which new MacBook Pro he wants to get for his office and how to synchronize his documents...
A friend of mine died four years ago from bone cancer. He battled it as a child, his family thought that was over.
Then, at age 19, it came back. Cancer is just sickening.
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Posted by: Justin Scott | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 10:17 AM
That really really sucks. Our Thanksgiving weekend was peppered with some not so good news from friends, too. It's tough to realize people are suffering in this world, isn't it?
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Posted by: Nilsa | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 10:32 AM
this is why i don't talk to people, i end up putting my foot in my mouth or something in that kind of conversation. it's so unfortunate though, too young.
Posted by: Robin | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 10:41 AM
I think you handled it quite well. As one who has experienced a few tragic situations in life, I can attest that a simple "I'm sorry." is all a grieving person needs.
People understand that we are all human and sometimes we don't know what to say.
You did good.
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Posted by: Ginger | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 10:58 AM
It's really difficult in those situations to find the "right" thing to say. But you seemed to have handled it really well.
So sorry about his brother though.
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Posted by: Marie | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 11:01 AM
You did good. Sometimes it is all you can say.
How sad.
Posted by: sue | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 11:32 AM
To everyone who has commented so far (since my replies to each of you would likely be pretty similar anyway), thanks for the support. It's nice to have that reassurance that I didn't do something stupid or "not enough." I can't imagine what his family is going through although Katie can (she lost a close uncle to cancer several years ago). Life just isn't fair. Never seems to be.
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Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 11:36 AM
oy, i never know what to say in situations like that.
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Posted by: Memarie Lane | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 11:40 AM
That cancer stuff is such a conversation killer. I think what you said was perfect. Whenever I tell people about whatever medical stuff is going on, I realize that they will have no idea of what to say. Like Lisa, I sometimes feel bad for saying anything at all because I know people won't know what to say and I don't want to make everything all uncomfortable. All I ever really want is a simple "I'm sorry" or "I will think good thoughts for you" or something. There aren't any words that can make it better, but just being there is enough sometimes.
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Posted by: tori | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 03:06 PM
memarie, not easy, is it?
tori, yeah, you're not kidding about it being a conversation killer. And a jaw dropper. Eye opener. Heartwrencher. Etc. Etc. Ad infinitum.
Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 05:10 PM
I think that's pretty much all you can say...at least all I've ever been able to come up with.
Hopefully he'll pull through, a hardship at any age, but even moreso a travesty at only 14, so much to live for.
God willing next thanksgiving the cancer will be in remission and they will all have one more thing to be thankful for.
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Posted by: Jason | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 05:42 PM
Sounds like a good holiday wish to have.
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Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 05:44 PM
That is tough. I'm not good with words in those situations either. My friends' friend son died in a car accident this weekend and all I could say is I'm sorry.
Posted by: Nicole | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 05:57 PM
Nicole, that's terrible. I think that's all you can say.
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Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 06:02 PM
And thus is the trap of "How are you?" "How are things?" etc... because most people aren't prepared for the brutal truth. Sooo most of us just say "Okay" and let it go.
Sorry you got side swiped with that one, but honest sympathy is always the right response.
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Posted by: Cinnkitty | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 06:08 PM
It's not what you say, but what you do. Words are trite in those situation. He'll know you feel for him even if that's all you could say.
Posted by: Sue | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 06:13 PM
Yeah. Those situation are always the worst because there's just nothing you really can say. All you can do is to hope that you don't say anything to make it worse.
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Posted by: Dave2 | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 06:27 PM
Sometimes there just isn't that much you can say in these situations other than that you are sorry... I know the feeling, had a moment like that at the office just yesterday...
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Posted by: DutchBitch | Tuesday, 02 December 2008 at 11:38 PM
Well, they say writers don't make the best speakers and vice versa (it's certainly true in my case and I probably would've been at a loss for words myself).
I'm thinking that if you just let him know you're there for him if he needs to talk, that would mean a lot. Or if he *doesn't* want to talk and would like to take his mind off of it, you could take him to lunch or something.
That's such a tragic situation. It breaks my heart to hear of kids suffering like that. :(
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Posted by: BlondeBlogger | Wednesday, 03 December 2008 at 01:25 AM
Cinnkitty, I don't think I'm ever talking to another human again.
Sue, let's hope so.
Dave2, it's terrible because you feel like you need to say something, but no words form.
DutchBitch, sorry it got you too.
BlondeBlogger, it does suck, doesn't it?
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Posted by: kapgar | Wednesday, 03 December 2008 at 06:56 AM
You know what else can say but offer your support and express condolance.
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Posted by: Nat | Thursday, 04 December 2008 at 11:31 AM
Does sound like the only real option, doesn't it?
Posted by: kapgar | Thursday, 04 December 2008 at 11:43 AM