Friends like these...
Oh lolli, lolli, lolli...

I know Saint Peter won't call my name...

I'm reading a book right now called The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston and Mario Spezi about a modern serial killer in Florence, Italy, and I came across a rather profound thought. The character who said it is an Medical Examiner's Assistant named Fosco and he is answering the question of whose body he is operating on as posed to him by Spezi (yes, this book is a true story):

"This one? A brilliant scholar, a distinguished professor in the Accademia della Crusca no less. But as you can see, tonight yet another disappointment has laid me low; I have just opened the head and what do I find inside? Where is all this wisdom? Boh! Inside it looks just like the Albanian hooker I opened yesterday. Maybe the Professor thinks he's better than her! But when I open them up, I find they're equal! And they both have achieved the same destiny: my zinc gurney. Why, then, did he tire himself out poring over so many books? Boh! Take my advice, journalist: eat, drink, and enjoy yourself--"

I know Fosco was being a bit of a smart ass. I've heard that people working as MEs and in morgues develop rather morbid senses of humor. But there is something very insightful about it.

Which of our accomplishments in life really matter? What things that we do truly have weight enough to count in our favor in the afterlife? Say you believe in Heaven (or adapt this question to your own beliefs as you see fit), what would you present to Saint Peter at the pearly gates as justification for why you should be allowed in?

Yeah, this is way too deep for a Tuesday night. I need a drink.

Something tells me I either need to stop being so deep on Tuesdays or come up with a new category to be dubbed "Deep Thought Tuesdays." What is it about this day of the week lately that gets me thinking so pseudo-profoundly?

Katie and I saw what had to be one of the worst movies we've seen in a long time this past weekend. Okay, let me qualify that a bit... this is one of the worst movies that we actually finished. Typically, when a movie is bad, we stop watching it. But this was such a trainwreck, I had to see how it ended.

I soooo regret that decision.

The movie was Nic Cage's Knowing about a guy who uncovers a code in a 50-year-old page filled with numbers written by a grade school girl in 1958 and placed for 50 years in a time capsule at a new school. Cage's son gets the letter when the capsule is reopened and is fascinated by the seemingly mindless jumble of numbers.

[POTENTIAL SPOILER IF YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT THIS TRIPE]

Turns out that the numbers represent the dates, death counts, and lat/long coordinates of major disasters for the next 50 years. But there are three dates on the sheet that have not yet happened. And, Cage, as you would expect, takes it upon himself to try to stop them. Sheeyah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Basically, that's what Katie and I did the entire time... insult the movie. We were a regular Statler and Waldorf just picking it to shreds. And that was the only thing that made it tolerable. We were tossing around gems like...

E.T.'s back! "Yo bitches! I'm baaaaaccckkk! Where's my fuckin' Reese's Pieces? Yo."

Look at that! One tanker truck nailing her car and all of Glenn Close's problems are erased!

"So uhhh... if you're only taking me and her up there to space, does that make her my bitch? Sure she's only 12, but I can make it work."

Where's John Nash?

Hey whisper dudes, I know you're hard up for work seeing as you haven't done anything since Dark City, but can you cut that shit out? It's annoying me. [yes, I'm aware Alex Proyas directed both films]

A door? You're really stealing a door from a school and taking it all the way home and wasting all that damn time when you should be seeking cover? And speaking of cover... a cave, really? We're supposed to buy that as a solution?

Lesson to be learned here... never fly out of Logan Airport.

So this is what Draco Malfoy does during his breaks from tormenting Harry Potter.

Can somebody make those black rocks start flying at Cage's skull and end this thing already?

Okay, maybe it was only funny to us as we watched it.

Statlerandwaldorf

Comments

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Sybil Law

Yeah - I get deep about stuff, too - only not usually just Tuesdays. :)
But I get the point, and I think whoever would let me in because I loved deeply. And sometimes ferociously. I tried being fair and good, and only kicked people in the nuts that deserved it. Haha
I love the movie comments. I do that with bad movies - it's like my own MST3k!

kapgar

That sounds like good reasoning to me. And, if I was St. Peter, I think I might give you a golden palace for the nut kicking of those who deserved it. As for MST3K, that's exactly what Katie said. ;-)



martymankins

It's another one of those Nick Cage movies that he shouldn't have made.

diane

That was totally me during Armageddon. I actually got thrown out of someone's apartment for my flagrant ripping.
Wait, that didn't sound right...

kapgar

Can I get an amen on that one!


kapgar

Are you sure that's all you were ripping? ;-)



Actually, NIU was playing Hitchcock's "The Birds" in the student center one time and me and a friend (both of us had seen it many times) were sitting in the back pulling the ol' Statler and Waldorf the entire movie. It was great fun for us. Not sure how everyone else liked it. We weren't lynched though.


Scott Adams

On Sunday morning I had a great idea to watch a movie that I rented through Netflix before I went and played golf at 2. It held my interest for probably the first 20 minutes or so. The movie seemed interesting enough and I really didn't have huge expectations for it in the first place, so I thought I was in for a surprise. As it turns out it was (in the voice of Comic Book Guy) the worst movie everrrrrrr! That movie was.....drum roll......KNOWING!!!! And the crowd goes wild!!!! Nicholas Cage is such a douche. I mean seriously. Hopefully I have finally learned my lesson and will never ever watch a Nick Cage movie again.

kapgar

The problem is that once in a while, you find a good movie like Adaptation or at least a serviceable popcorn fest like the original National Treasure. But, lately you have to wade through three or four Cage crap films to get to it. You never know which one it will be. I hate that.


Kevin Spencer

Ha, yes, this was the movie that prompted my Nic Cage suck-o-rama tweet last week ;-)

kilax

We ended up seeing Knowing in the theater because we had a free ticket and it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I hate Nicholas Cage. I was so freaked out by that movie I had nightmares. Of course, I don't expect movies to be realistic and I expect Cage to be a bad actor, so I wasn't disappointed.

kapgar

Wish I'd realized that beforehand. But then I'd be out a post. ;-)


kapgar

I seriously thought I'd set my bar low before watching. Clearly not low enough.


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