Hey! Now that you have my attention...
I am here today to discuss a most meddlesome medical condition, one with which you may or may not be familiar.
Okay, enough with the strange intro.
Katie and I are dogsitting for her boss right now. The dog is some sort of poodle I cannot identify and his name is Peanut. After last night, that name may as well be Penis.
Penis, er Peanut, was craving attention last night and kept sitting on the floor directly in front of Katie and me staring at us as we were watching TV and eating dinner. We tried to convince him to turn away but he wouldn't. Finally, after several more minutes of this as well as a very close follow into the kitchen, I sat down and started petting him. He sat perfectly still and just let me keep doing it. No argument from him.
However, at one point, he stood up to shift positions and there it was... his big, nasty canine erection... just sticking out from between his back legs... bright, pink, and nasty looking contrasted with his slightly off-white curly fur.
Dude, put that thing away!
I got up and walked away. I couldn't deal with seeing that thing and knowing that it was my petting of the dog on his back that caused it to, er, stand at attention and salute, as it were.
The word "fleshrocketitis" is derived from "flesh rocket" which was the name that resulted from an incident involving my late cat, Meatball (please leave the name alone; poor cat's not here to defend himself anymore). He was, um, minding matters with his tongue and looked up at us and there was his own little pink flesh rocket standing at attention. But it looked to me like one of those female pieces that you put in the station wagons when playing the game of Life... narrow and pink with a mushroom-shaped top (the ones at right look more spherical than mushroom). I can't remember if it was Katie, my brother, or me that came up with the name "flesh rocket," but it stuck. Poor cat.
With Meatball, though, it was a source of humor. Mostly because it wasn't anything we did that caused it, but what he would do. This happened to Penis, er Peanut, because of something I did and will never do again as a result.
I washed my hands. I felt dirty. Like someone working at a massage parlor that offers "happy endings." Still makes me feel a bit skeevy thinking about it.
I really wanted to do a TUA here.
I had a couple great ideas and began typing them up only to delete each before I finished.
I just don't think I would want to pair any of those ideas with a post about fleshrocketitis. It's just not fair to them at all to forever be associated with animal hard-ons. Guilt by association and all that jazz.
Sorry.
you missed the opportunity to write all that jizz
Posted by: hello haha narf | Tuesday, 19 July 2011 at 12:31 PM
That was wholly intentional. I did think about it, believe you me.
Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 19 July 2011 at 12:32 PM
Our dog "Generic Yellow Dog #2" left a wet spot on our friends pants the other day. Talk about embarrassing! All because they had brought their new puppy over. The puppy (a pug) weighs 3 pounds) GYD #2 weighs 60lbs. But for some reason he still felt like he was going to have the chance to let one fly with the poor puppy.
Our friend will never wear light colored pants to our house again. :(
Posted by: pink piddy paws | Tuesday, 19 July 2011 at 12:55 PM
He'll probably never bring the puppy either. ;-)
Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 19 July 2011 at 01:31 PM
I used to wonder if I should have gotten a male dog instead of a female. After your post . . . nope, I think the female was the way to go.
Posted by: Stacey | Tuesday, 19 July 2011 at 08:45 PM
Oh you made a good choice. No question.
Posted by: kapgar | Tuesday, 19 July 2011 at 09:23 PM
With massage skills like that, Katie is very lucky to have you!
Posted by: Dave2 | Wednesday, 20 July 2011 at 05:32 AM
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Posted by: kapgar | Wednesday, 20 July 2011 at 06:03 AM
Hahaha - I thought you wrote, "Guilt by association and all that jizz" and then I realized it was just my dirty mind playing tricks on me!
Did you know our cat is Meatball?! It's a great name!
It's nasty to see an animal's penis, fo sho. Even more so when YOU caused it.
Also, what Dave2 said.
Posted by: Sybil Law | Wednesday, 20 July 2011 at 10:09 AM
I don't think I knew about your Meatball (wait, that sounds bad). Does your Meatball have a twin named Spaghetti?
Posted by: kapgar | Wednesday, 20 July 2011 at 10:12 AM
I had a dog that had that, er, condition. At least he didn't try to hump your leg? I'm looking for the bright side here!
Posted by: Sizzle | Saturday, 23 July 2011 at 10:29 AM
I don't let him get close enough to be a leg-humping threat.
Posted by: kapgar | Saturday, 23 July 2011 at 11:21 AM